An open letter to Daniel: China’s future savior

[Since you had the audacity to completely deconstruct my friend, John B's, missive to you, I thought I would take the liberty to deconstruct yours. You deluded, spineless Asiaphile.]

“I don’t enjoy sleazy content, and I’m sure a good deal of visitors will think you lack morals and decency. Keep in mind your host, sinosplice, is not some pornography site; don’t assume you aren’t offending people.”

Evidently my racy tirade on socks just got your water boiling didn’t it? You must be a Birkenstocks fellow I assume. I am glad though that you informed me of the fact that you don’t enjoy “sleazy” content. I forgot I was authoring this site expressedly for your enjoyment. And as far as “sleazy” content goes, I’ve been pretty tame. In fact my host, sinosplice (our beloved John), chastised me on my own comment list, about censoring myself. He supports and nurtures my need to express my self my way. He did in fact warn me though that another boring sock entry would not be welcome. So evidently my host has no problems with my content. What are you? Amish? And as for the “…good deal of visitors will think you lack morals and decency…” remark; I don’t have a web statistics program (e.g. Webalizer) on my site, so I cannot say for sure how many people are viewing it, but I have a strong assumption there aren’t that many. And of that small population that actually visit my site, I know the majority of them and they know my character better than you, so fuck you you dumb fucking twat. You impotent, overly liberal shit. You probably voted for fucking Nader because your head’s so far up your own ass you can’t see daylight. Cunt. Thanks for putting Bush in office.

“Moreover, I’m astonished by the level of negativity in so few posts after so little time in China. This is something I really resent about TEFL blogs.”

First off, I would really appreciate you not comparing my site to other Chinese TEFL blogs. Those sites, by and large, contain “information” that might be “helpful” to people thinking of travelling or working in China, as where my site has absolutely nothing of value whatsoever. My site is for my friends, family and anyone else who wants a cheap laugh. It is not for people who, like yourself, have absolutely nothing better to do with their time than to read a whole bunch of boring fuckin’ blogs and then bitch about them. I would really appreciate you going home this Christmas, finding your dad’s gun, and blowing your fucking head off. (You see?! That’s funny. The other teachers over here are reading what I’m writing and laughing hysterically. Your death is funny to us.)

“I would KILL to be in China right now.”

The other teachers and I are quite concerned that you wrote this. Seeing as you obviously have no sense of humor we all have concluded you are sincere in your wanting to murder. China doesn’t need violent, socially retarded Americans such as yourself lurking about its safe streets, searching for victims to satiate your violent bloodlust.

“I would love nothing more than to walk down the street and be “assaulted” by captivated Chinese people wanting to say “hello” or start a conversation. You don’t know how jealous I am–I have to put a lot of effort into meeting and befriending Chinese people, whose company I cherish.”

First off, it’s obvious you’ve never been to China, and although textbooks help, they are no substitute for actually living here. And if you did, you wouldn’t have written the above. Everyday, a dozen people yell, “hello” towards me and ninety percent of the time I reply with a polite form of greeting, however I don’t have the time to strike up a conversation with everyone who says “hello.” Most of them don’t want to talk, they just want to illicit a wacky response out of the “gawky laowai.” I’m over here to teach people who actually want to learn how to say more than, “hello.” I would also like to assume (if I may be so brash, and I may) that you expell a lot of effort in ANY social situation not just in your creepy obsessive acquisition of Chinese friends. Rereading your comments I am starting to assume you have lodged more than a few corpses into your crawl space.

“When I see these blogs I just think, “*I* should be in China, not you! *You* should be in America, not me!” ”

Well I am and you’re not so…Ha Ha haha ha!

“I could never say a bad thing about China.”

Because you’ve either never been here and/or you’re crazy.

“China is where I belong (and no, I’m not Chinese-American, I’m as white as you).”

Well so you know, because I’m a nice person you judgemental fuckhead, I hope you graduate soon and achieve your dream of coming to China to teach (although I’m pretty sure you just want to fuck Asian women because you can’t score in the States. You Asiaphiles are as low as rapists in my book.) The majority of us here came to China to help, not prey on helpless Chinese women. Sorry I assumed again I just can’t seem to help myself. You’re such an exquisite caricature of everything I despised about college. And by the way I’m German and Sicilian which means I’m 33% African.

“Excuse my harshness. You don’t deserve the totality of this tirade–I’m very jealous of Americans in China”

Of course you are excused, I tend to get somewhat harsh as well when I let my emotions get the best of me.
Oh, and here’s a couple tips for when you come.
1.) Keep your expectations low or you are going to get dissappointed, and this country is too wonderful too sulk through.
2.) Don’t come to Hangzhou. We don’t want you here, and you won’t want to be here.
3.) I’d highly recommend you take a couple crash courses in humor, you are going to need a sense of it when you get here, or you are going to have a really bad time.

Post script: If the color-scheme didn’t clue you into the light-heartedness of this site, then you are a blathering fucktard (that’s John B’s word). Unless of course you are colorblind then I apologize, queef. Don’t take things so seriously, no one really wants you to shoot yourself in the head, and I would never in a million years harm any citizen of this amazing country. It’s all a joke. Live a little. Oh and one more thing: