I Spoke too Soon

Okay it is now Friday and I’m still sick. In fact I got sicker after my last post which erroneously stated I was actually getting better. Apparently having your office located in a meat locker is not conducive to the healing process. So for the past 3 days I’ve resigned myself to the relative discomfort that is my futon (it looks like a futon but feels like a medieval rack) and sweat. And by sweat I don’t mean a dew-lipped glisten. I mean a Cool Hand Luke level of sweatiness (for those of you who haven’t seen Cool Hand Luke it’s quite a sweaty movie.) To undertand just how much I’ve sweat over the past three days all you have to do is this:

1. Drink 2-3 liters of water or Gatorade in about an hour’s time.
2. Go into a sauna.
3. Masturbate….a lot (but only think about non-arousing stuff like venomous snake attacks or school bus accidents)

This should provide you with the level of sweating I’ve been privy to the past three days. On top of the sweating and much more aggravating is the glandular swelling. When I’m healthy and happy, like I was Monday morning, those glands (you know the ones your mom always checked when you tried to stay home sick from school) are about the size of raisins. As of today my right gland is about the size of a whiffle ball, while my left gland is about the size of an aardvark. I am literally struggling to swallow*.

I’ve gotten sick like this once before and I think it was the flu though I can’t really remember. All I know is I’m not worried in the slightest, because of the top notch medical staff we have here on campus. Not only did she make me go “AHH” with the old tongue depressor, but she also took my temperature. The preceeding two tests proving incontrovertibly that I am allergic to neither wood nor glass. Relief.

The medical staff basically gave me two options, antibiotics or an IV. Mind you they didn’t give me a diagnosis, so it was a crap shoot for yours truly. The Chinese love the IV. It’s just saline from what I hear, but they demand it. Oh! my spleen just burst! Give me some saline. I fell in the oven and my skin’s all flaky and peeling…hook me up with the saline IV. I’m very particular when it comes to needle hygiene, as in if it ain’t a brand new needle I ain’t using it, I don’t care how many times you cleaned it. It’s a quality of life issue and one I won’t waver on (I say that now but China does have a way of changing you) so I opted for the antibiotics. Even though there is the high probability that I don’t even need them.

I began taking them last night and I think it’s too early to make a call on whether or not they are working. All I know is it hurts like hell to swallow and my body is really tired. So I am going to go. Everybody stay warm and wear your scarves, and your ear muffs, and your mittens and wool socks.

At the end of the second paragraph you will notice an asterick. It denotes that I restrained myself from saying something ribald in the body of the text. This was done out of respect and love for my mother and father. However, if you want to read the line in its original form just look below:

I am literally struggling to swallow, and as any of my previous boyfriends will tell you that’s never been a problem.