Farewell to a Friend Round 2: Shanghai

Well the day I hoped would never come did. Our patriarch and guide John P. has left us for greener pastures up in Shanghai and being the friend I am, unlike some who’ll remain nameless (Alf,) I lent my services (and by “services” I mean this sweet ass, chiseled body) to help him move which meant I would have to once again spend an extended amount of time in the cesspool of depravity that is Shanghai. Well this time it wasn’t that bad thanks to a certain film by the title of, Bad Boys 2. This movie rules! Ten times better than the first, though I recommend you watch the first installment because it will make you appreciate the sequel that much more. The chemistry between Martin Lawrence and Will Smith ignites the screen and draws you in to a world where unparalleled action is the soup du jour. The three days I spent up there could have been 72 hours of relentless demonic sodomy by some creature that ejaculates nothing but hornets and holly leaves and I would not have minded in the least. Why? Because Bad Boys 2 is that sweet!

Settling John in was quite easy. In fact I did little more than carry some bags and move some furniture. The main thing I had to deal with was John’s incessant crying. He was balling like I just put down his pet dog while beating his sugar gliders to death with his favorite kitten. He wasn’t too much in the mood for partying and I understood why: Because he’s an enormous pussy.

In truth John was fine and rather upbeat. He didn’t shed a tear and he has no reason to. His apartment is great even if one of the elevators is possessed by the devil (think Stephen King’s Christine except it’s an elevator not a car.) His new co-workers are wonderful, and he’s near his girlfriend who’s a great woman. And most importantly, all of us in Hangzhou are merely a 25 RMB train ride away from wearing out our welcome with him. It truly is a non-event and I’m saying that for his sake because I’m going to greatly miss him even though he is only 2 hours away and I don’t want him to feel guilty for the fact that he deserted us for cash.

There’s a saying that goes something like, “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.” And it is a completely suitable parable to sum up John’s departure. It is true that he is no longer here to help and guide us. We no longer have him as a translator we can rely on due to his more than competent grasp of Mandarin Chinese, and most distressingly, we no longer have that 6 foot 5 inch gangly skyscraper around drunkenly throwing punches at whoever comes within his swarthy range (he’s a punchy drunk.) I’m mean who’s gonna beat the shit out of me now? I still got Carl to pee on me but he punches like a girl! (For the record I don’t have a urine fetish, nor have I ever been peed on.) What I’m trying to say is, it is going to be different without John here, and it will be tougher but the upside (the window God opened) is that John’s new apartment is only two minutes away from a Tex-Mex restaurant called Taco Popo and this place is the bizzomb (a fine establishment with delicious cuisine.) I ate there everyday. Tex-Mex burgers, chicken tacos, and soft shell beef tacos overflowing with CHEESE!!! Oh Great Zombie Jesus (Futurama) how I miss cheese! So we lose John and all his linguistic skill but in return we get a taco joint rife with cheesy deliciousness that utterly dominates. All things remain in balance, the cycle of life continues.

John, I love you (relax it’s platonic) and I will miss you, and those tacos, and that hot, vaguely Hispanic-looking chick that works at the Taco Popo, but mainly you….and the tacos.

New Bar Review: Windows Too (1699 Nanjing Xi Lu)

This bar’s been around for a while but I just went there so it’s new to me and let me tell you it gets this drinker’s nod of approval. Is the music good? Not really. Is the clientele interesting and pleasant? Nope. Do pretty ladies abound? I didn’t really look, but I’m sure there are and I’m sure the majority are working girls. Then why in the world do you like this place GregEZ? Because it’s fuckin’ cheap! Everything is either 10 or 20 RMB and that’s a steal in Shanghai, especially when your funds are prematurely depleted by some sticky-fingered whore who pick pockets you at Excalibur Sucks while you are drunk and focusing all your concentration on whompin’ Alf’s ass at Jenga! It wasn’t that much money, like 50 RMB at the most, and that’s even if I did indeed get pick pocketed at all (I was pretty drunk.) I could have just forgot I already spent it on beer and tequila shots. By the way Alf is like the best drinking buddy you could ever wish for. So if you are in Shanghai and don’t feel like getting raped on drinks check out Windows Too. It’s a pretty cheap and pretty chill. Oh and did I mention it is only a five minute walk to Taco Popo? It is.

Check It Out! I mean it!