Greg’s Annotated Chinese Zodiac

In keeping with the spirit of the season, I thought I would take an email my wonderful sister sent me on the character of persons born on the year of the horse and separate the fact from the fiction in regards to my personality as it is from what my zodiac assumes it should be. (All my personal comments will be in parentheses.)

Year of the Horse-1978

Thank goodness for open spaces, because the Horse needs plenty of room to roam! (Provided a fresh outlet for pornography I’m quite content never getting off the couch.) Energetic (not really, unless we’re talking about masturbation than I’m like Mark Spitz on crank), good with money (I invested in Pets.com) and very fond of travel, Horses are the nomads (like a drifter I was born to walk alone) of the Chinese Zodiac, roaming from one place or project to the next (I actually came up with the ideas for the Pringles Doublestack and the state quarter map before anyone else.) All of this Sign’s incessant activity (I kicked my coke habit in 2001, 2002, 2003 and look out 2004 I’ll get that monkey off my back again!) and searching may be to satisfy a deep-rooted desire to fit in (I’ve never fit in. Though I have a deep root…in my pants!!) Paradoxically, Horses feel a simultaneous yearning for independence and freedom (like when hookers don’t leave after you’ve…don’t judge me.)

Horses crave love and intimacy (and who doesn’t), which is a double-edged sword since it often leads them to feel trapped (no one’s roping down this stallion.) Love connections tend to come easily to Horses (if by easy you mean passing prison grade razor wire out your urethra), since they exude the kind of raw sex appeal that is a magnet to others (if my penis were a precious, noncorroding, metallic alloy used in jewelry it would be platinum.) This Sign tends to come on very strong in the beginning of the relationship (yeah, I come on strong like a clubbed baby seal) having an almost innate sense of romance and seduction (I’m a regular Don Juan…even I’m not buying that.) Horses are seducers in general; check out any A-list party and you’re bound to find the Horse in attendance (it’s true, Charlie Sheen was born on the same day as me.) This Sign possesses a sharp wit (very true) and a scintillating presence (I like leather pants); it really knows how to work a crowd (when I’m drunk I can work about anything, which has lead to more than a few homoerotic liaisons.) Surprisingly, Horses tend to feel a bit inferior to their peers (it’s not that surprising), a misconception that causes them to drift from group to group out of an irrational fear of being exposed as a fraud (that’s a complete fabrication…everyone knows I’m a fraud.)

An impatient streak can lead Horses to be less than sensitive to others’ needs (I hate homeless people and beggar children.) These colts would rather take a situation firmly in hand (like a hobo’s scalp) as opposed to waiting for others (the police) to weigh in or come to terms with it. The lone wolf inside the Horse (horses are herbivores, they don’t eat wolves…duh, even I knew that) can at times push others away, but this also makes this Sign stronger and is a key to its success (that’s just funny.) Horses are self-reliant and, though they might lose interest fast in a tedious, nine-to-five day job (work is for suckers), are willing to do the work necessary to get ahead (like murdering competitive co-workers.)

Horses tend not to look much at the big picture (completely untrue); instead they just follow their whims (ketchup is good on pierogies, let those oktoberfest purists rot), which can result in a trail of prematurely ended relationships (I’ve been kicked out of four oktoberfests), jobs (banned from T.G.I. Fridays), projects (Habitats for Humanity) and so on (Make a Wish Foundation.) This Sign really knows how to motivate others (torture), though, and get a lot accomplished. Once they find some peace within themselves (not bloody likely), they can curb their wandering tendencies (I’m a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride, and I’m wanted…dead or alive) and learn to appreciate what’s in their own backyard (I live in an apartment next to a brick facory.)

The most compatible match for a Horse is the Dog or the Tiger (or better yet a jug of Maker’s Mark and a hogshead of laudnum.)