Greg’s ESL Café!!

School has started once again and I for one am looking forward to a fruitful and fun semester, but I know it can sometimes be stressful and frustrating. Being a new teacher in China (or anywhere for that matter) can come with more than its fair share of obstacles to overcome like language barriers, culture shock and Bird Flu. On top of all this external stress you are still expected to teach to your maximum capacity week after week and that can be taxing especially for the new teachers out there in the Middle Kingdom. I personally have spent more than one frantic Sunday evening pacing about my apartment screaming, “What am I going to teach tomorrow!”

Now we all know Dave’s ESL Café is completely useless (with the exception of the idea I submitted which rules ass.) So with the help of fellow teacher Jamie, we came up with, what we feel is, a more than adequate list of activities, lectures, debates and games you can use to aid you during your semester of teaching here in China. We sure hope it helps!!

The List:

1. Shoe not a shoe
2. Ready, Set, Pap Smear!
3. Disassemble the spy plane (a group game)
4. Holocaust, Schmolocaust (discussion)
5. Hide the pregnancy
6. Poop on Da Shan (urine is also acceptable)
7. Infected fowl scramble
8. The very, very Great Wall of China (fun with compound adjectives)
9. 20 Questions: Masseuse or Whore?
10. Find the Dissident (similar to Ostracize the Dissident and Beat the Dissident)
11. Name that sore
12. The Rape Myth: Women’s Rights in China
13. (Clap Clap) Who’s Got the Clap? (Clap Clap)
14. Verbally bitch slap North Korea
15. Ultra Fantastic Super Happy Abortion Fun Hour
16. Cane the Coolie
17. Let’s Eat Crackers!! (students love snacks)
18. Forty Million Reasons to be Gay (A.K.A. The One Child Policy Game)
19. “Name Parts of the Chicken You Won’t Eat….Go!”
20. Chairman Maopalooza
21. Invent a Sport
22. What Would You Do? (Good for rooting out the loose students)
23. Red Guard vs. Capitalist Highroader Gerund Throwdown
24. Places I’ve hacked up something gross and spit…
25. Fuck the WTO
26. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Capitalist Roaders Right Over (to teach English)
27. Lecture: Sweatshops? Who’s Sweatin’ It?
28. Discussion: Text Messaging as Olympic Event – since we already have ping pong wrapped up. (A.K.A. the Red Thumb Game)
29. She had it coming. (Debate on China’s Snuff Film Industry)
30. Dry hump and grab ass pronoun jumble (popular with male students)
31. Original Creative thought Call-Out (A.K.A. The Silence game)
32. Build a Bong Improv. Game
33. Fun with Gerunds
34. The Pinky Nail Pimp Game
35. Send a Man into Space Game (this game works great!!)
36. Stage a successful landing by manipulating the media outlets game
37. Things the Japanese do that piss me off…
38. U.S.A. A-Okay. (alternate title: Communism is for Retards)
39. Sideburn or Bitch Tassle?
40. Paisley and plaid with track pants and loafers (Fashion faux pas 101)
41. Who queefed?
42. Which bitch let my beer get warm? (a counting game)
43. Debate: The lesser of two evils: Da Shan vs. Hitler
44. Hangman (Parents will be billed for rope)
45. Debate: Chinese medicine vs. Chinese checkers
46. “Tone Deaf” An investigation into Karaoke
47. Discussion: “Has anyone seen my face? I lost it with my car keys.”
48. Counterstrike: Team Tactics and Strategy (this can last an entire semester)
49. Lecture: The Genius of Ass-less Infant Pants (to be followed directly with)
50. Lecture: Addressing China’s Public Shitting Pandemic
51. The Long March…of Dimes (bring your spare jiao)
52. Salmonella tastes like chicken (street vendor trivia)
53. Bribe the government official (without adjectives or Chunghuas)
54. Discussion: AIDS!? That’s Henan’s Problem
55. Defile Da Shan
56. Let One Hundred Flowers Bloom (expel complainers)
57. Block that Blog (and google while you’re at it)
58. Assemble these microprocessors
59. Your favorite boy band sucks ass. What are you going to do about it?
60. Arm wrestling/Tibetan leg wrestling (make sure they use English)
61. Dog: It’s what’s for dinner.
62. Lecture: In depth analysis of seasons one and two of The Shield
63. That’s not a Cold Sore! (Sexually Transmitted Disease education)
64. Let’s Hurl Feces at Adverbs!!
65. “Tibet’s Better Off” (Discussion: Tibet and the Dalai Lame-ass!)
66. Show Fletch
67. Strip Mahjong
68. Physics of Chicken Kicking
69. Pandas: National treasure or profitable organ banks? (debate)
70. Shoe not a shoe

Well there you have it, enough activities to get you through TWO semesters. We hope these ideas help you to become the best ESL teacher you can be. Good luck to all you teachers out there in the Middle Kingdom!