Travel Tips for the Newcomer to China

A great many people are finding China to be their ideal travel destination, and I for one, wholeheartedly agree with their choice. China’s a wonderfully diverse (yeah they’re all Chinese but look out they’re different) and beautiful country where one can relax and enjoy their time away from the hustle and bustle of their regular 9 to 5. But for the uninitiated with nothing but a Gold card and a personality best described as arrogant I humbly offer you some tips for traveling safely around the Middle Kingdom. Actually if you are someone with nothing but a Gold card and personality best described as arrogant I hope you choke and do the exact opposite of everything contained herein. Pricks. Anyone else though who’s traveling over here though should heed the following:

Footwear: A comfortable traveler is a happy traveler and proper footwear provides the foundation for this sought after condition. But over here in China, sandals are not the desired footwear. Sure Birkenstocks and Tevas are comfortable but you won’t be saying that when you’re standing arch deep in piss in any of the bathrooms China’s bars have to offer, and that’s just urine if you’re lucky. I don’t want to tell you how many times I’ve waded through menses, feces, and vomit just to leave the stall to urinate in the sink. If you don’t drink and tend to stay at hotels like the Portman-Ritz Carlton don’t bother reading this part because you are a.) a pussy b.) a rich prick who considers ordering chai tea in the lobby Starbucks immersion into Chinese culture, or c.) a filthy old hippy with too much money too justify why someone hasn’t ripped open your bong-addled skull with a wrench and taken your knot because you’re a drain on society and the 60’s are over. Whatever the case may be, I hate you and don’t come to China. Bitch. I would recommend any running, walking, or cross-trainer sold by Nike, Reebok, New Balance, or Kangaroo (I don’t know if this footwear company still exists but their shoes were great, and I’m a huge fan of Walter Payton and the little zipper pouch that was on the side of each shoe would be an ideal and safe place to store one kuai coins for the bus or snacks or something.)

Accessories: A sleek, unobtrusive carry all is an asset worth its weight in gold for the traveler on the go. When you are spending a whole day out on the town (or rural countryside as the case may be) seeing the sites, it behooves you to strap on something that can indeed carry it all. A nice over the shoulder can store everything you’ll need plus any little souvenirs, maps, tickets, or receipts you might pick up along the way. A padded shoulder strap is also preferable for those all day treks. Listed below are some of the items you might want to think about carrying with you on your day out in China:

Tissues: For over a decade, 80’s power rockers Cinderella have been there, through song, when I’ve needed someone the most. Their hit, “You Don’t Know What You Got Till It’s Gone” has been the retrospective soundtrack to my life. And that song with its sweet, power balled cadence has echoed through my noggin every time I’ve reached into my pockets and not found a tissue. China is not the cleanest country. In fact it’s kind of filthy. Not the filthiest mind you, but filthy nonetheless (if filth is your fetish might I also recommend India, Thailand’s ghetto districts, and large parts of Nigeria, Sudan, Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Sierra Leone and Monrovia. This parenthetical was written while intoxicated.) You need tissues. A lot of dining establishments won’t provide you with napkins or toilet paper so you need to bring your own, which isn’t that bad an idea if you genuinely care for the health of your asshole and urethra. The air here isn’t the cleanest either so you might conceivably acquire a cough which would in turn mean you might need to hack something up, but let me tell you my well-intentioned friend, “Spitting is ILLEGAL in China.” So having that handkerchief there is a good way to keep from running afoul with the law because if Smokey catches you it’s a hefty 5 kuai (about sixty pennies) fine. I recommend the mint scented tissues for obvious, salad tossing, reasons.

Anti-Diarrheals: Let me tell you about food poisoning. It blows. Out your ass at a burning, acidic velocity strong enough to bore through the reinforced steel of today’s most resilient blast doors. Food poisoning turns your bowels into, what is in essence, a biological shit laser. That’s what my asshole was projecting for three days. It’s like someone hooked a Paxton Supercharger up just north of my anus, because this shit (pun intended) was off the hook. It was a forced induction poop. I lost about five pounds in three days. Take that Jenny Craig! No need to count calories and exercise. Just come to China and literally piss out your asshole for a week.* The only thing that got me better in time for my Monday classes was Immodium AD, and it should be one of the most important things in your bag when you arrive in China. The last way anyone wants to spend a vacation is confined to a hotel bathroom, clenching your teeth, pushing gasless fire mustard out what is now your blazingly red and tender sphincter. (Mom I apologize for the imagery.)

Headache Medication: As stated previously, the air here is less than pristine. It’s like walking through the perfume/cologne section at Dillard’s except it’s not the sweet (if sometimes overbearing) intermingled scent of Calvin Klein, Aramis and Chanel, but more a caustic mélange of sulfur, phosphorous and non-catalyticly converted car exhaust. I smoke so the air doesn’t bother me too much, but it can make some of you more virgin lunged travelers a little more susceptible to headaches so be sure to pack some aspirin, ibuprofen, or naproxen sodium.

Mandarin Phrasebook: This is an indispensable item I have never had the foresight of purchasing, so it should come to no surprise that in my meager travels around China I’ve never used one. Sure I could have borrowed one of my friends’ books but I’m a man. A man who craves adventure. Now, I may or may not have already mentioned in a previous post, and if I have I apologize (not like you’ve read them) but I have one of the most authentic sounding “Dui(s)” in all of mainland China. That Canadian rube Da Shan’s “dui” sounds like he just got done with his first week of night courses at Toronto’s Mandarin School for the Dexterity Impaired compared to my “dui.” I don’t want to sound like I’m tooting my own horn or talking out of my ox vagina as the Chinese like to say, but I can affirm a statement I completely don’t understand better than anybody, which has led to three armed exchanges (two knife, one gun), a cockfight, the purchase of one gross of circus grade monkey, and the sale of my right kidney which fetched me a measly 50 kuai and a rather robust looking rooster. Both of which I subsequently lost in the aforementioned cockfight. So unless you are fluent in Mandarin (such as myself), and have an insatiable urge for adventure, bring a phrasebook with you and keep your internal organs where they belong. Inside your body.

The Card from Your Hotel: In whatever hotel you stay in there is usually a card left upon the nightstand for you. Take this card with you when you go out. On this card is the hotel’s name and address in Chinese for you to show any cabbie so you can get home from wherever it is you are. If you fail to find one in your room there is usually a stack of them upon the counter of the concierge’s station.

Other items you might want to pack: • Vitamins • Camera • Spare film or memory cards (if you have one of them fancy digital cameras) • Cigarettes (Even if you don’t smoke they are good to give to other people as a kind gesture or act of “giving face.” The classier the better. They can get you things and into places you normally couldn’t. That’s not a guarantee but it can’t hurt.) • Spare lighter • Antibacterial wash • Band Aids • Heroin • Spoon (I recommend keeping your hypo in the sole of your shoe.) • Bottled water • A bottle of Old Smuggler • An Indonesian stink weasel • Monkey chow • Wet wipes • FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!!! • Spare shoe laces • A Leatherman® • Mrs. Dash • Glow Sticks • A sense of self-worth (I either forget it or lose it) • More Monkey chow • Fake Interpol Badge • Smelling Salts • Mp3 player with nothing on it but the Sanford and Son theme song and Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” on a continuous loop. • Binoculars • Monocle • Poncho • Bandoleers • Neosporin • Snare for Indonesian Stink Weasel • And for American tourists: An over-sized foam cowboy hat.

Well that’s it. I’ve probably forgot some stuff like your passport and visa but if you don’t have the foresight to secure those things you’re a lost cause. I sincerely hope this post helps and if you don’t pack any of these they are hardly the most important things you need. In fact the most important things don’t weigh a thing. Even if you forget the Mrs. Dash you can still have a great time in China if you remember to pack an open mind, open heart, and sense of humor. Good luck to all you travelers out there!

Here’s a picture of an Indonesian Stink Weasel:

• This is not to imply China is the only place one can become afflicted with food poisoning. Quite the contrary. It just happens to be the place I came down with a rather severe case of it.