Things Not to Do in China I go out quite often in China. Be it in my hometown of Hangzhou or any city I happen to be visiting. Whenever I’m somewhere new I want to hit the streets, the downtowns and the back alleys. I want to meet the people, slosh through puddles that reflect the neon light of a new Chinese existence, and take in that unmistakable air. Air heavy with the intermingled fragrance of streetfood, refuse, industrial pollution, and the quiet, determined perseverance found in the people of this great country that I can only define as “Springsteenian.” They’re steel town girls on a Saturday night looking for the fight of their life if they’re anything at all (I’m aware it’s not Springsteen). And I know you can’t start a fire without a spark (Springsteen rules).

Nightlife and drinking go hand in hand like Champagne and pussy (love you mom). [That previous parenthetical can be interpreted in an incestuous manner I didn’t intend on, I meant to infer that my mom probably “Tsked” loudly having read the opening sentence to this paragraph, shrugged and said, in a tone of disappointment I know too well, “Oh Gregory.” And then she’d slap my father for laughing at it.] Unfortunately, too much drinking (you, the reader, should automatically assume that when I use the term, “nightlife” rampant drinking is occurring) leads to the loss of inhibition which is how I ended up on Broadway. But in China, a drunken encounter with Liza Minelli probably won’t lead to the 6 week run of your own one man show (like it did me). It will probably lead to jail time, because if I ever see Liza again she’s in trouble. She stole my Tony and I don’t mean the award for on stage excellence. Anywho, the point is, when you’re out on the town, drinking with the people, you should keep your head about you, because what might sound like a good idea under the influence of a 6-pack and several Tequila Slammers probably isn’t (especially in China). So to help all you ex-pats out there, Jamie Doom and I have come up with a list:

Things NOT to do in China (arranged in no particular order): 1. Speak Chinese (it can only get you in trouble) 2. Contract gonorrhea 3. Contract genital warts 4. Contract Chlamydia 5. Get AIDS 6. Go to Henan (see No. 2-5 as to why) 7. Miss the South of the Border taste explosion that is Taco Popo (Yet another screaming endorsement? I believe so.). 8. Endorse the Falun Gong 9. Ask for the non-smoking section in a restaurant 10. Become a vegetarian 11. Drink the water 12. Swim in the water 13. Touch the water 14. Look at the water 15. Taunt the water 16. Respect the environment (or Tibetans) 17. Pray 18. Front on a straight ass player 19. Be black 20. Plan ahead 21. Dry hump statues of Mao Zedong. 22. Wear deodorant 23. Think for yourself 24. Line up 25. Fart in the elevator then shake fist in the air and scream, “Fucking Japanese!” 26. Suggest to Standing Committee that their next five year plan should be to “not suck so much” 27. Ask for a doggy bag 28. Talk without your mouth full 29. Pound ass (that’s my job) 30. and Jamie’s 31. Breathe 32. Champion West Coast rap 33. Brush your teeth after breakfast 34. Brush your teeth at all 35. Start a band called “Cheap Visas” 36. Enjoy comedy 37. Join a gym called the “Boxer Rebellion” 38. Treat animals humanely 39. Puke in a squatter 40. Not take advantage of China’s thinly veiled yet massive homosexual population 41. Work at a Nike Factory 42. Write a letter to the editor and sign your real name 43. Use tact 44. Have fashion sense 45. Enjoy music that doesn’t involve choreography and 5 boys from Orlando or a dead anorexic 46. Pay retail 47. Go to North Korea on a day trip 48. Refer to Mao’s birthplace as, “Graceland 2.” 49. Bet on the notoriously corrupt game of Ping Pong 50. Wear T-shirts where the English on them makes sense 51. Ask why the Yellow River is Yellow 52. Stand in front of a tank on your way home from shopping 53. Refer to the 1st and 2nd Opium Wars as “the Great Chinese Cockblocks” 54. Smack the Chinese 55. Rely on the police 56. Name your boy band “Gang of 4” 57. Talk about SARS (IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!) 58. Use performance enhancing drugs 59. Get a tattoo of the Dalai Lama 60. Get a tattoo of Salvador Dali 61. Get a tattoo of Dolly Parton 62. Fall in Love 63. Bribe Eric Roberts 64. Chide and/or make fun of Da Shan on your website. Feel my sting Sinosplice! 65. Toss Salad 66. Accept anything without first refusing it three times 67. Respect your liver 68. Feed the Bears 69. Refer to the controversial sport of midget tossing as the “Deng Xiao Fling” 70. Teach English