ZUCC Has One Opening Left for Anyone Interested in Teaching in China

That’s right. Zhejiang University City College (ZUCC) is looking for one more English teacher for the Fall 2004 semester. Any an all are encouraged to apply.

The minimum requirements for employment are as follows:

• Bachelors Degree (preferably in English, Linguistics, or Education)
• Native English speaker
• Some TESL experience
• Must love my website and agree with all the content contained herein.*

Preferred requirements: - Dual degrees or a Masters’ Degree (preferably in English, Lingustics, or Education) - Native English speaker - TESL/TEFL certification - Experience teaching in China - Must have a Sinobling “fansite” devoted to how much my website rules.**

I encourage anyone interested in teaching in China to apply. ZUCC is a great school for anyone thinking of coming to China to teach. ZUCC is located in Hangzhou city, Zhejiang province (about two hours southwest of Shanghai via train). A large population of foreigners working, living and teaching here in China think of Hangzhou as one of the most desirable, and beautiful destinations for both work and play. ZUCC is a modern and expanding school that offers, arguably the best housing accomodations in China. All rooms are air-conditioned. You have your own private bathroom with a Western-style toilet (that was a big selling point for me), free cable with upwards of thirty channels (29 of them you won’t understand if you are like me), and high speed interent access in your room, so like me you can write blog posts in your underwear and not have to feel self-conscious about it like I used to when I sat in the teachers’ offices and wrote in my underwear.

For those of you interested in studying Chinese (such as myself) you will find endless oppurtunities to practice, and expand your perspicacity not only in Mandarin, but also in any of Zhejiang’s 600 plus local dialects. In the whole of China, there are over 378,000 separate dialects which people speak. Those numbers may not be accurate in a factual/scientific sort of way, but to the beginner student it sounds just about right.

Hangzhou also offers a lot for when you are not working. The scenery is beautiful. Not only do we have West Lake which is both very pretty and packed full of history (5000 years of history China has), but also innumerable rolling hills, caves and temples. Hangzhou provides the modern conveniences one appreciates (with the exception of Dr. Pepper) while still holding on to its cultural heritage. Hangzhou unlike Shanghai feels Chinese. Shanghai feels as though it could just as easily be New York or London, where with Hangzhou you know you are in China, which is why you should be coming if you are interested in experiencing Chinese culture.

So to close up, anyone who’s interested can send me an email containing your resume or curriculum vitae at:

sinobling@gmail.com

• kidding ** also kidding

Open Letter to the Concierge at Hell’s Finest Hotel:

Dear Hospitality Servant of the Dark Lord Lucifer,

My name is Greg. I am a teacher in Hangzhou city, Zhejiang province, P.R.C. Currently the school is on hiatus for the summer holiday so I have been left at my University with little or no responsibility whatsoever. I was enjoying the time off until July rolled around and the rotation of the Earth put our sun about 100 feet away from the surface of this city. For the past seven days the air temperature has been well over one hundred degrees Fahrenheit. When you add in humidity and the lack of anything resembling a breeze the heat index is around 500 degrees Fahrenheit. It is literally hotter than Hell (I’m pretty sure, I mean I’ve never been. Call it a guestimation.).

To give you some idea as to the actual heat I can tell you what I have both seen and experienced. Chinese women, in their vain attempts to stay as close to milky white as possible, have been venturing outside, umbrellas in full bloom, since May. At the start of July those umbrellas have, after only a few minutes of exposure to the sun’s rays, burst into flames setting more than one delicate, ebony-haired cranium on fire. Chinese men, the normal bastions of masculinity that they are, have resorted to rolling their T-shirts up to the armpit exposing their mid-sections in a manner only the gayest of gay bar patrons would, in an inebriated and frantic last call effort for drunken cock action, attempt. I, myself, have not been immune either. Besides the frequent headaches that do not allay my frustration with the non-stop sweating, I have actually been able to feel my sperm dying. That’s right, I can feel my sperm succumbing to single celled heat exhaustion. My ball sack as well has reached maximum elasticity. In an attempt to keep my goo globes healthy and productive my glitter sling has stretched south of mid-thigh and took up temporary residence between my knees. If so inclined I could fashion a makeshift hammock out of my slouch pouch large enough to accommodate a full-size, dozing squirrel or medium-sized otter. Sorry for the imagery but it’s that fuckin’ hot.

I’m writing you this letter to inquire as to the availability of any air conditioned room you might have in Hell. I’ve never been but I hear the climate is lovely compared to Hangzhou. Price is not a factor. If the AC works in my room I’ll be more than satisfied to pay my way by helping you gain the souls of atheists and Southern Baptists alike. Seeing as how I am Roman Catholic they are as much my enemy as they are yours. I look forward to a prompt response as my ability to procreate lays in your Satanic, and damned hands.

Your willing servant in evil,

Greg

P.S. I’m really not good at being “evil” so perhaps I could work poolside as a towel boy or inside an air conditioned ballroom as a salsa instructor or something. Enclosed are some pictures of me with your cloven footed mascot. (Are goats cloven-footed? I really don’t know. Your whole “thing” sort of gives me the heebie-jeebies.)

Me and Goat are pals for life:

Rockin’ with Goat to some Dokken: And yes I’m aware that that is the “I love you” sign and not the “Devil, I salute you” sign that is so often thrown violently overhead at Motorhead concerts and the like. I took these pictures myself and only had ten seconds with the self-timer so I rushed to get situated and properly framed up and the damn goat’s horns kept falling off so in my fervor I unintentionally threw up the “I love you” instead of the “Devil, I salute you.” Also, I was drunk.

Me, snuggling up with Devil’s Mascot: For the record, it took a lot of nerve and soul searching for me to put this picture up. I decided to do it for you the reader and for comedy’s sake, so I would appreciate it if everyone would refrain themselves from copying the picture and Photoshopping it into an even more compromising image. I’m self-conscious enough as it is (and I think you can see why), so no fake jizz streams or stains, and no altering the cigarette into a cock and no superimposing a huddle of Japanese men urinating in the direction of my face please.

Chinese Justice League: This list was created because China deserves to have super heroes too.
Super Heroes:
1. The Omni-stamper 2. Sergeant Apathy 3. Capt. CCP (transforms when angered into Omega Red not to be confused with the X-men villian of the same name) 4. Dialogue’s Yang Rui (Can confound any and every adversary with his irreverent, often pointless, interviewing style) 5. Lack of Irony Man (Impervious to China’s Future) 6. Clean Air Advocate 7. The Humble Laowai 8. Steve Malkmus: former frontman of Pavement 9. The Vaccine 10. Guanxi Gary and his Chunghwa Gun (Knows everyone in China.)

And superheroes need super villains so…

Super Villians: 1. Hello Boy 2. Mole Man Chang 3. Head Up His Ass Man (takes many forms in China) 4. The Coolie 5. Joe Baijiu 6. The Spitter 7. Public Urination Goblin 8. Clap Snatch (arch nemesis of The Vaccine) 9. Xiao Smoggy 10. Swedish Hippie Expat

Typhoon 2004!! A Report from Hangzhou’s Ground Zero

This previous Saturday morning began as calm and unassumingly as any other day this summer but Mother Nature had something in store for the humble citizens of Hangzhou (and I’m assuming other large portions of Zhejiang province but who cares about them), something wicked. The 3rd of July began quietly as the sun shed its first glowing rays onto the city, and the fair people of this town began their bustle shortly after awakening to the strained sounds of so many a tuberculosis ridden rooster attempting its now pathetic cock-a-doodle-doo (the air ain’t clean here).

The winds began a stirring around eight in the morning and their relentless gales did not cease for some 6 to 8 hours. I was literally held hostage by the storm for almost 15 minutes from the time I woke up around 2 in the afternoon. What I saw from my living room window defied human explanation. Clothes left out overnight to dry were found flung from the clothesline possibly even wetter than when they were originally hung out. Potted plants were laid to waste lying on their side having not been able to stand under their own weight of the wind’s vicious surge. Carl’s umbrella was the worst victim. Whipped inside out as if it were some cheap product manufactured in China, hardly keeping my friend protected from the sideways mist that assailed anyone with the courage to step outside. This was a meteorological surprise attack that no one expected and I went out to look for answers.

On my way to a taxi I saw the carnage that ensued on the college campus I live on first hand. Rows of bikes knocked upon their sides like a line of two-wheeled dominoes. Puddles with a surface area about that of medium-sized, artificial ponds at Home Depot were everywhere with depths measuring upwards of three quarters of an inch, and not one, but TWO poorly planted Mimosa trees were uprooted by the unrelenting ferocity of this storm. I could barely contain the vodka I had for breakfast when my eyes took in the ravaging effects of this devilish tempest. Surely the meteorologist would have answers.

I was wrong.

Upon arriving at the weather station I found Feng Shui Ren collapsed behind a copper and jade fountain ringed with frogs, one of which had a coin in its mouth. After coming to he offered his apologies for his unconsciousness and I began my questioning.

Me: How could this happen with no warning whatsoever?

Feng: Excuse me but does this look like a meteorological forecast center to you or the lobby at the Jade Palace All You Can Eat Buffet? Look at this fuckin’ “equipment” (he air quoted). I’d stab a bitch for Noah Radio. I’d suck dick for fuckin’ doppler radar. What do I got?! Those fuckin’ frogs and they’re only good at telling me about earthquakes which I know cunt about!

Me: So you’re telling me you had no way of knowing a sizable weather system…a typhoon in fact…was going to hit us?

Feng: You’ve got to be fuckin’ shitting me you white prick. You know what the powers that be expect me to do when big storms come?

Me: Uh…no.

Feng: You know what they expect me to do (me: no)? Stand outside in the thick of the shit with a satchel of ground up deer penis and a roman candle as if I do, which I don’t, it might do something. Fuck all this noise I need to get high.

Me: Excuse me?

Feng: You heard me niggah! I’s getting my motherfuckin self cronked. Find your own God damn way out cracker. Careful not to fuck up the Tandy they gave me to check the weather.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Feng: Fuck your ass honky.

When I got back on campus people were out trying to put things back together. I spoke with some to try and gauge their reaction. One individual was more than verbose.

Me: So did you see the storm?

Wang: See it? See it? I felt that shit. There I was, pissing on the side of the girls’ dormitory…as is my want…when this fuckin’ gust of wind sprayed my piss stream back all over me.

Me: So you were outside when the storm hit?

Wang: Shit piker, I was living it. I mean it was windy! Like real windy. You know those big fans they have at the hardware store that float a beach ball indefinitely because they are big ass fans?

Me: Yes, I’ve been to Lowe’s.

Wang: It’s like they had a real big one of those and pointed it sideways to make me piss all over myself. Woo-wee! I tell you what, if I wasn’t drunk already I’d a been pissed off, and pissed on.

Me: So why were you urinating on the girls’ dormitory during a typhoon in the first place?

Wang: Because I was trying to seem some pussy faggot!

Me: Oh. Thanks for your time.

Wang: No. Thank you, ya fuckin’ cha bagger. I’m the God damn son of a bitch that smells like his own motherfuckin’ piss.

Nature. Fate. Causality. Call it what you will, but the scars that this storm left will take time to heal. The damage alone caused by this hellish deluge that dropped no less than one inch of rain will cost the city of Hangzhou upwards of US $35.00. I, for one, am thankful just for being able to say that I am alive today to report this. And I thank God above for giving me the foresight to not teach English in Calcutta.