Solely for Glenn (a devoted visitor to my site) I present: The Hangzhou Babe Scene

Of all the, oh I’d say….FIVE, people that read my site, Glenn has been one of the most devout. And he has always left comments of appreciation and encouragement. But moreover he’s left me more than one comment requesting I submit a missive documenting the “babe scene” in Hangzhou. I’ve as of yet done a post on the PP (pussy potential) of my host city not because I’m not ALL about the ladies, but because my lack of travel throughout China has given me no frame of reference with which I can compare. I’ve yet to travel north of Shanghai and south of Wenzhou (That’s in the south of Zhejiang. The province that contains Hangzhou.) I can’t, with any validity say, “Hangzhou snapper beats the fuck out of Harbin’s snowy lust caverns, but compared to axe wound in Lhasa, Hangzhou is laggin’ WAY behind.” (I actually want to kick myself in the testicles for that last sentence.) Anywho, out of respect to someone who’s taken the time to continue reading my on again off again site I’ll acquiesce to his request a speak a little about the girls of Hangzhou.

From here on out, “you,” is not to be associated in any way shape or form with Glenn. It is to be seen as the general “you,” bereft of specific individual label unless otherwise specified.

Hangzhou is a big city. At last count (yes, I counted) the population was around 6.5 million. Not counting migrant workers from other areas of China. Hangzhou is a very developed city, considered (by some) to be “the next Shanghai.” God willing it won’t be because that place sucks shitty taint. With the exception of a handful, Shanghai’s laowai population is lower than crocodile piss. They strut around like latter day Napoleons scoffing at their Chinese hosts as though they were some sort of savage novelty. Like the way European settlers used to ship back caged Native Americans for the pleasure of their home countries hedonistic aristocracy. It sickens me and if not for dear friends, Taco Popo, and the airport I’d never visit. But I digress, Hangzhou is a modern city that has been, thus far, able to balance its undeniable Chinese identity with the Westernization inherent in rapid economic development. The reason why this city is so desirable a location is that foreigners here are able to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese alongside Dong Po Rou and West Lake fish. Patron a Western style bar in arm with native Chinese counterparts. Hail a brand new Volkswagon Boro cab that contains a driver that speaks absolutely no English. Hangzhou is great because you never forget you are in China, and it offers all the things you need to make yourself feel better when you are homesick. I still digress but I’m wandering closer to Glenn’s desired point.

Hangzhou, while not being as metropolitan a city as Shanghai, Beijing or Guangzhou, is a big modern city. And a big modern city offers you (if you are looking) a more openminded woman. One that is not completely adverse to the thought of courting a foreign man. However, this does not guarantee a a love connection each and every time. Chinese women are, by and large, traditional women. Even in Shanghai you’ll find women that save that most precious jewel so hungrily sought after by men for the one they believe they’ll marry. Having said this I don’t endorse exploiting this chaste decision for your own carnal gain. In fact I downright disagree. If you (Reminder: I’m not directing this at you, Glenn, by the way. I mean the general “you.”) want to go whoring do it in your own fuckin’ country. There’s enough negative stigma surrounding interracial coupling in China we don’t need frothing horn dogs from abroad shooting those of us who came over here to learn about and embrace China’s customs and culture in the foot because they can’t score at home. Sexual exploitation (coerced coitus) is about as low as one can sink and borders on rape. Sex is a wonderful thing and if over indulged in one can take for granted just how special and sacred it is (Yes, I’m Catholic.)

Jesus Christ I sound like a God damn priest. I apologize. I didn’t mean to get on a soapbox at all. Let’s talk Hangzhou bitch specifics. Asian women on the whole kick some fuckin’ ass, and let me tell you why. With the exception of Yoko Ono (that talentless vulture) Asian women age very slowly. Furthermore their skin is very taut and more oft than not (My apologies to David Sedaris, my love and muse.) porcelein clear. That may not mean much to other people but considering I’m probably going to look like Edward James Olmos in a decade I appreciate clean unblemished skin and Chinese women have it. To say I’m envious would be a gross understatement. Though lately I have been using Estee Lauder’s Daily Wear Plus Multi Protection Anti-Oxidant SPF15 skin revitalizing lotion and let me tell you my face, unsightly blemishes aside, has never felt healthier.

The women of Hangzhou are known for their beauty as women from every city, town, and unincorporated hamlet in China are known for. But with a population of 6.5 million you’ve got lots to choose from. Play your cards right and you could be fortunate enough to escort one of these cultured women arm in arm along the famous banks of Hangzhou’s West Lake. But if you fuck’em you better have an engagement ring coming because these ladies don’t fuck for free. They want a husband, status, a car, financial security for themselves, and parents, and a visa to what ever country you call home. Welcome to China.

Having said that you can always go the commitmentless “pay as you go route.” But I’d say you got a 25% chance of contracting VD via that route and that’s using protection. And that’s a conservative guesstimate. All this however is moot. Sex is not a reason to visit any country (With the exception of, perhaps, Thailand. Though I’ve never been, I have watched the E! channel.). China has so much to offer in the realms of arts, music, cuisine and history. You are truly doing yourself a disservice by solely coming over here to satiate carnal lusts. Having said all that, Hangzhou women like most Chinese women are lacking in the badunkadunk department, but the chesticles are top notch. All in all I have to say Hangzhou’s female population is not any more remarkable than any other cities. I highly recommend visiting Hangzhou but for all the reasons there are to come, ladies is not one of them. ANd I only say that because I’m untravelled and have no way of comparing. But I can tell you this: Their heaps cleaner than Henan broads.

I’m not sure if any of this helps Glenn but I have to admit I had a rather conflicted time writing this. I’m just not good at objectifying a whole population of women. After all I’m not Charlie Sheen. Hangzhou women are good. I feel like I failed you. I’m sorry. Seriously.

Things More Frustrating Than “Hello.”

The more erudite and less pathetic may revel in certain people’s ability to express (IN CHINESE) their displeasure with the simple English greeting (Hello) used by non native speakers towards them while they idle away their time in Shangwhore. I read it in the English translation…AND the original CHINESE!!! To a degree I concur, but upon reflecting on this third grade piece of shit I got to thinking. Is that bi-syllabic salutation really that offensive and annoying or have we grown too great for our gracious host country? To try to put it into perspective I came up with this list of things Chinese people do on a daily basis which is more annoying than the overused, “Hello.”

Things more annoying than “Hello”

1. Spitting on the bus

2. Spitting on the bus and hitting my shoe and not the intended floor

3. Overcharging for goods and then laughing hysterically at the 5 mao they got out of us as opposed to their Chinese brethren.

4. Urinating everywhere

5. Not understanding my perfect Chinese

6. Assuming laowai know nothing

7. The fact that they think they won WWII

8. Identifying Westlife and Backstreet Boys as quintessential western music while scoffing at bands like Soundgarden and Captain Beefheart

9. Constantly stating the phrase, “We have 5000 years of culture.” as an excuse for every initiative they’ve ever boggled.

10. Not lining up for shit!!!

11. Passing off counterfeit currency to laowai because they don’t know the difference (see reason 6)

12. Driving worse than Italians

13. Constantly being blatantly hypocritical

14. Endorsing “Golden Week” price gouging schemes

15. Justifying the battery of woman as a legitimate recourse to, “not losing face.”

16. Every show on CCTV 9 that isn’t the news.

17. Yang Rui

18. Their penchant for shitty techno

19. Cab drivers thinking every fare is a chance for them to re-enact their favorite scenes from Cannonball Run.

20. NOT LINING UP FOR SHIT!!!!!

China has been my home for over a year and I love it. I value every day here as a new experience full of things for me to learn. If the worst thing that happens to you is a few errant, “Hellos,” consider yourself lucky. Seriously. I’ve been peed on before. And puked on. This country is great. Oh yeah, and baijiu is pretty annoying too.

And speaking of the NHL player lock out….

Okay so its already November. Late November and I have seen a fuckin’ fore check, a back check, a penalty or icing call and I’m a little pissed off. I don’t watch baseball because it is boring (and I’m being nice by leaving it at boring). Gan lan qiu (American NFL Football) is the sport of the world’s most talented gladiators, but I can’t watch it over here in China because the Chinese are racist. Soccer is….well how do I put this? Soccer is the national sport for every country out there that has no hopes of being a world power. Wow look at him dribble!! Holy Hell! Check out thatr pass. If I wanted to see Dagos with Jerri-curls run around and do nothing for 3 hours I’d go to a family reunion. Really, I’m serious, Europe if you wanna play with the big boys drop the soccor and embrace the NFL Europe. You aren’t cultured. You’re fuckin’ clown shoes. David Beckham is a fuckin’ daft idiot. Yeah a good corner kicker, but he still shits his pants because he’s to fuckin’ stupid to take them off before he chili dogs his spice girl wife. Soccer sucks. Basketball is okay but pointless till the playoffs and golf is…well golf is golf. Fun to play and that’s about it.

The point is if you are from the Tri-state area, northern mid-west or that counrty called Canaduh this is the time you strap on the gloves and watch some hockey and there is none to be had. Our blue collar athletes have deemed themselves too worthy to play for a per annum average salary of 1.8 million. The NHL has always been the workers league. Le Clair, Roenick, Robitaille, Satan, Luongo, Pronger, Heatley, Cechmanek, and Selanne these are the athletes for those of us who still line up for tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert. These are the athletes that are not supposed to care about the money as much as they care about the game. And here we are in a player lockout. Here I am in China futily siding with the GM’s and endorsement companies hoping the players will come to their senses and embrace a completely reasonable salary cap. What is a laowai to do?

I’ve started to wholeheartedly enjoy and embrace Rugby Union. I follow the New Zealand All Blacks as though they were the Philadelphia Flyers or Eagles. But I just don’t have the cultural connection to New Zealand I need to truly care about the outcome of the game. Except when they play the Australia Wallabies. God I hate them so much.

The problem is much more serious than both the players and owners lead on or will admit to. The truth is NHL hockey is abysmally unpopular in the United States and the fans it did have were devotedly faithful to their franchise. With this latest controversy you’ve not only taken away our main winter sports entertainment base but disillusioned us towards the entire sport. Even if you do settle your disputes before the start of next season the fans will be so disgusted by the stubborn greedy actions of the players they won’t even bother tuning in. It’s a deathblow to the sport. In my opinion the best sport out there and the way things are looking its not coming back anytime soon. Hell, sports news agencies aren’t even following the story. That should tell you how little the populous cares about it. But all you players care about are your gold houses and rocket cars. To think I once though about getting my team’s emblem tattooed on my body. Oh the fool I was. And for as sad as I am you know there are people out they reaping the benefit of our loss. You know who you are. Candian Football League fans. You freaks. Why the hell are you all named the Roughriders?

BRING BACK MY HOCKEY!!!!!!!!!!