Solely for Glenn (a devoted visitor to my site) I present: The Hangzhou Babe Scene

Of all the, oh I’d say….FIVE, people that read my site, Glenn has been one of the most devout. And he has always left comments of appreciation and encouragement. But moreover he’s left me more than one comment requesting I submit a missive documenting the “babe scene” in Hangzhou. I’ve as of yet done a post on the PP (pussy potential) of my host city not because I’m not ALL about the ladies, but because my lack of travel throughout China has given me no frame of reference with which I can compare. I’ve yet to travel north of Shanghai and south of Wenzhou (That’s in the south of Zhejiang. The province that contains Hangzhou.) I can’t, with any validity say, “Hangzhou snapper beats the fuck out of Harbin’s snowy lust caverns, but compared to axe wound in Lhasa, Hangzhou is laggin’ WAY behind.” (I actually want to kick myself in the testicles for that last sentence.) Anywho, out of respect to someone who’s taken the time to continue reading my on again off again site I’ll acquiesce to his request a speak a little about the girls of Hangzhou.

From here on out, “you,” is not to be associated in any way shape or form with Glenn. It is to be seen as the general “you,” bereft of specific individual label unless otherwise specified.

Hangzhou is a big city. At last count (yes, I counted) the population was around 6.5 million. Not counting migrant workers from other areas of China. Hangzhou is a very developed city, considered (by some) to be “the next Shanghai.” God willing it won’t be because that place sucks shitty taint. With the exception of a handful, Shanghai’s laowai population is lower than crocodile piss. They strut around like latter day Napoleons scoffing at their Chinese hosts as though they were some sort of savage novelty. Like the way European settlers used to ship back caged Native Americans for the pleasure of their home countries hedonistic aristocracy. It sickens me and if not for dear friends, Taco Popo, and the airport I’d never visit. But I digress, Hangzhou is a modern city that has been, thus far, able to balance its undeniable Chinese identity with the Westernization inherent in rapid economic development. The reason why this city is so desirable a location is that foreigners here are able to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese alongside Dong Po Rou and West Lake fish. Patron a Western style bar in arm with native Chinese counterparts. Hail a brand new Volkswagon Boro cab that contains a driver that speaks absolutely no English. Hangzhou is great because you never forget you are in China, and it offers all the things you need to make yourself feel better when you are homesick. I still digress but I’m wandering closer to Glenn’s desired point.

Hangzhou, while not being as metropolitan a city as Shanghai, Beijing or Guangzhou, is a big modern city. And a big modern city offers you (if you are looking) a more openminded woman. One that is not completely adverse to the thought of courting a foreign man. However, this does not guarantee a a love connection each and every time. Chinese women are, by and large, traditional women. Even in Shanghai you’ll find women that save that most precious jewel so hungrily sought after by men for the one they believe they’ll marry. Having said this I don’t endorse exploiting this chaste decision for your own carnal gain. In fact I downright disagree. If you (Reminder: I’m not directing this at you, Glenn, by the way. I mean the general “you.”) want to go whoring do it in your own fuckin’ country. There’s enough negative stigma surrounding interracial coupling in China we don’t need frothing horn dogs from abroad shooting those of us who came over here to learn about and embrace China’s customs and culture in the foot because they can’t score at home. Sexual exploitation (coerced coitus) is about as low as one can sink and borders on rape. Sex is a wonderful thing and if over indulged in one can take for granted just how special and sacred it is (Yes, I’m Catholic.)

Jesus Christ I sound like a God damn priest. I apologize. I didn’t mean to get on a soapbox at all. Let’s talk Hangzhou bitch specifics. Asian women on the whole kick some fuckin’ ass, and let me tell you why. With the exception of Yoko Ono (that talentless vulture) Asian women age very slowly. Furthermore their skin is very taut and more oft than not (My apologies to David Sedaris, my love and muse.) porcelein clear. That may not mean much to other people but considering I’m probably going to look like Edward James Olmos in a decade I appreciate clean unblemished skin and Chinese women have it. To say I’m envious would be a gross understatement. Though lately I have been using Estee Lauder’s Daily Wear Plus Multi Protection Anti-Oxidant SPF15 skin revitalizing lotion and let me tell you my face, unsightly blemishes aside, has never felt healthier.

The women of Hangzhou are known for their beauty as women from every city, town, and unincorporated hamlet in China are known for. But with a population of 6.5 million you’ve got lots to choose from. Play your cards right and you could be fortunate enough to escort one of these cultured women arm in arm along the famous banks of Hangzhou’s West Lake. But if you fuck’em you better have an engagement ring coming because these ladies don’t fuck for free. They want a husband, status, a car, financial security for themselves, and parents, and a visa to what ever country you call home. Welcome to China.

Having said that you can always go the commitmentless “pay as you go route.” But I’d say you got a 25% chance of contracting VD via that route and that’s using protection. And that’s a conservative guesstimate. All this however is moot. Sex is not a reason to visit any country (With the exception of, perhaps, Thailand. Though I’ve never been, I have watched the E! channel.). China has so much to offer in the realms of arts, music, cuisine and history. You are truly doing yourself a disservice by solely coming over here to satiate carnal lusts. Having said all that, Hangzhou women like most Chinese women are lacking in the badunkadunk department, but the chesticles are top notch. All in all I have to say Hangzhou’s female population is not any more remarkable than any other cities. I highly recommend visiting Hangzhou but for all the reasons there are to come, ladies is not one of them. ANd I only say that because I’m untravelled and have no way of comparing. But I can tell you this: Their heaps cleaner than Henan broads.

I’m not sure if any of this helps Glenn but I have to admit I had a rather conflicted time writing this. I’m just not good at objectifying a whole population of women. After all I’m not Charlie Sheen. Hangzhou women are good. I feel like I failed you. I’m sorry. Seriously.