Things the Chinese Really Wanted to Protest Before They Settled on Japan

For J. Doom

Since the start of the anti-Japanese protests I’ve been glued to the news, not so much the TV news because there isn’t much there and God knows not the newspapers; I believe the headlines in last Sunday and Monday’s editions of the People’s Daily were, “TV’s Webster Really Psyched About New Seafood Restaurant” and “Yao Ming Contemplates Amount of Cotton Used to Make His Shoelaces” respectively. Hardly a word could be found on what could be the start of a potentially serious international incident. For mainland Chinese folk the act of “losing one’s shit” is, by and large, an activity frowned upon by the Caring, Compassionate Powers that be. However, said powers know that once in a while people need to vent. Just so long as what the people are venting about is something completely unrelated to anything that even remotely resembles what they’re doing . Which brings us to Japan, the most obvious “external outlet” onto which the Chinese can safely vent their frustrations. I won’t get into particulars because I’ll assume most of you already know the reasons why these two countries have such a tentative relationship. So for the past three weekends hundreds of thousands of Chinese people have taken to the streets to protest Japan. But why?

What has Japan done recently to elicit such malignance from the Chinese? Okay, you got the new History textbooks, but no one’s really using them. You got them trying to get a seat on the U.N. Security council which, may not be in China’s best political interests, is their right. Mexico and Germany are also vying for spots on the U.N. Security council but I didn’t see any Chinese people burning piñatas or knocking over bratwurst carts. You got the atrocities caused by the Japanese during WWII, which is valid, no doubt, but it happened over 50 years ago, and Japan has apologized (though not formally like they did with South Korea) numerous times and invested hundreds of millions into China’s economy. I’m not saying any reason stated above isn’t valid or understandable but I think there was something more. So I went out on the street and interviewed thousands trying to find out what was really at the root of these demonstrations, what was really driving these marches and I found some shocking reoccurrences.

So below, I have the list (in no particular order) of the 40 things the Chinese really wanted to protest before they finally settled on Japan:

1. The growing gap between rich and poor

2. Adequate rights and protection for the working class

3. Enforcing Traffic Laws

4. Bob Seeger

5. The guy that sings that “Er ling ling” song.

6. Chinese Finger Traps

7. Not being allowed to protest

8. Rampant Government and Corporate Corruption

9. Consistently under-valuing the Yuan

10. Rice

11. Animal Rights and Protection

12. Those stinkin’ Laowai!!!

13. Avocado

14. Can’t get reservations at the “Hotel California”

15. Improved mine safety

16. The Tele-Tubby that likes smoking pole

17. Outlawing irony

18. Legalizing hypocrisy

19. Montgomery Ward

20. Letting bygones be bygones

21. The Ban on Porn (I’m leading that march)

22. Curbing air and water pollution and the subsequent illnesses associated with it.

23. Hickory Smoke

24. Trapper John M.D.

25. Lack of fat, stacked ass (That may just be me though. You don’t see many girls here wearing the J. Lo jeans is all I’m saying.)

26. Sexual and social discrimination

27. Me

28. The Right to Fight for the Right to Party

29. More Boobs

30. Lanolin

31. Chinese Education System

32. Eddie Money

33. That small penis stereotype. (I know some lads that are real keen on ushering in the “Hung Dynasty.” For real.)

34. German Hip-hop

35. Bull Durham

36. Wrongful arrest and incarceration

37. Fresca (any grapefruit soda at all for that matter they aren’t particularly fond of)

38. The non-existence of a supportive, psychological/psychiatric field

39. The new Pope

40. Countries better than theirs

Astonishing isn’t it? Bob Seeger and Eddie Money!! David Allan Coe I could understand but Seeger and the Money? I was shocked. More than a few interviewees stated The Allman Brothers and that girl from TLC that burned down Andre Risen’s house but not enough to make the list. In summation, when looking at the evidence, there is simply no reason why the Japanese should have to bear the brunt of the Chinese peoples’ anger when most of them really just don’t like two not really kick-ass rockers from the 1980’s. So this weekend why don’t you file out into the streets not with hate in your heart but love. Get a shitload of plastic beads, liquor, and hurricane mix and a Quiet Riot CD and rock your asses off, and when you’re good and hammered (you’ll know when the time comes because girls will be flashing everyone and the guys’ll be kissing each other in platonic comradeship) invite the Japanese over to join in the fun and bury the fucking hatchet. (Unless it’s Molly Hatchet.) There’s no time for all this fussin’ and a feudin’. Push all that hate out and let the love in.