Well I’m getting pretty restless over here and miss my life and friends back in Hangzhou terribly but check out what I found in my front yard the other day.

This is something that almost never happens in China. Largely because China has no wildlife because the land is too dirty. Oh they have rats, and a few squirrels protected in their national parks, and that “special” wildlife reserve where they don’t allow the patrons to throw lit cigarettes and all other sorts of inedible detritus at, like, the three pandas they got left. Which is sad because unlike China’s spoiled monkey population the national animal of China will never be able to inulge in the calming, smooth burning joy that is a cigarette from a 3 kuai pack of Sichuan’s finest tobacco concern. But I digress, all I’m saying is it’s damn rare you get to look out your front window in China and watch a large bird of prey swoop down and totally bitchslap a rodent which I think was a chipmunk or squirrel but it was hard to tell because only the bottom half was left. I got about five feet away from it before my dogs barrelled out of the house and scared it off, but prior to my idiot dogs ruining my reconnection with nature I decided to go out and rediscover the wildlife in my own back yard. Here are some pictures.

I live in Florida which is like living in a perpetual nature documentary, if nature documentaries were filled with slack-jawed fuckin’ rednecks. Not to speak too begrudgingly of my home state but it’s chock full o’ fuck nuts. It’s a beautiful state and thoroughly modern, no mass transportation (sorry poor people), but nice. And with the exception of the mosquitoes, love bugs (thanks a bunch University of Florida) and the huge cockroaches, it’s a nature lovers paradise. And if you, like me, have a soft spot for the herpetological check out this picture I took.

This particular species is commonly referred to as the Giant Camo Blood Devil Dragon of Hades. Hey, I don’t name’em. I just read the scientological books where the facts are contained about this DEADLY species. Measuring 6 feet from stem to stern (reptilian for: head to tail) and having “enviro-adaptable” scales this species blends in with its background laying in wait for its favorite prey…people. I was able to sneak up on this one while he was sunning himself on the warm gunwale of an overturned, rusting, Civil war ironclad that’s nearby my house. A relic of the famous Battle at Ne’erhappenedon it provides an ideal location for bloodthirsty dragons such as this one. To give you some idea as to the size of this unrelenting beast look at the chain link. One of those links is as big as I am (which is enormous). Apparently I got too close to this ornery son of Gorgon and Garoyle and it began to LITERALLY bark flaming piss at me. I made myself scarce and headed to what looked like the calmer area of land when I snapped a photo of this elusive bird.

The Cobra Necked Cunt Bill! Deadliest of Florida’s water birds. At a staggering 21 feet tall the Cobra Necked Cunt Bill boasts an impressive 86 foot wingspan. Weighing in at half a metric ton the bird, affectionately referred to by locals as “Ol’ Cunty,” loves to gorge itself on Hillshire Farms Christmas Sampler Baskets and Big League Chew. Thanks in no small part to its under wing lasers and razor sharp “cunt” bill Ol’ Cunty has no natural enemies other than crocodiles, which are laserproof, and man, who has bigger lasers and is, more oft than not, a bigger cunt. After snapping this photo with the glimmer of the setting sun rippling off the lake I had to pause a moment at the majesty of this bucolic scene and whisper, “My God, that is one regal cunt.”

So as I while away my time here waiting with baited breath for the call that brings me back to Hangzhou, I find solace in sitting at my front window, my camera in tow, waiting for nature to reveal itself to me in all its glory.

This is the result of the sexual preference test I took. And they are accurate too. Because this test was totally on the internet. The following are the results. Telling you who I am sexually.

Straight PreferenceYou scored 22 (-52 being completely gay, 0 being bisexual, and 52 being completely straight)

You are not exclusively heterosexual, but you prefer the opposite sex over the same sex. While you might be willing to fool around with the same sex to some extent, you would go all the way with the opposite sex. If you are sexually inexperienced (which I’m totally not), it is possible that this could change after you do some experimenting (Could it? I think not. I draw the line at second base for men. Sorry Wilson. [insert pimped out ‘96 Prelude driven by a frowny face smiley.])

And that’s the graph that shows where I am. And you know it’s scientific because IT’S A GRAPH. In your face wags. Scientific proof I don’t get it on with men unless they get me drunk first. You can pick me up at 7 Wilson. Make sure that lowered Civic is modified…with bourbon and Lionel Ritchie.

If you want to find out who you are and what you want…sexually (wink wink, British, Vincent Pricey accent and mustache twirling) click the following: The Sexuality Spectrum Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12680914741600896164

part 1 of an ongoing series:

I don’t really have a lot of time to write out a big post about being back home in America, but I felt compelled to comment on this due to the sheer, undeniably blatant irony of it. The following is an excerpt from George W. Bush’s most recent speech to the American people:

“Some call this evil Islamic radicalism. Others militant jihadism. Still, others Islamo-fascism… we’re not facing a set of grievances that can be soothed and addressed. We’re facing a radical ideology with unalterable objectives: to enslave whole nations and intimidate the world.”

Hmm. A, “radical ideology with unalterable objectives: to enslave whole nations and intimidate the world.” Why does that sound so familiar? Where have I heard this before? Could it be that…oh yeah!…that statement completely and totally describes how the rest of the world views the United States. A bunch of power hungry, oil stealing, mass murdering fuckwits, who have given the proverbial finger to the international community and invaded not one but two countries that have done very little to us (especially our pure American soil.) Man, I can’t believe Bush pulled that off with a straight face. The fucking audacity of that idiotic cunt. And the IRONY!! Oh the sweet, sweet irony. Yeah I can’t tell you how much the Middle Eastern community in central Florida has been busting my ass to join the nation of Islam. Compared to the right wing fuckin’ southern Baptists, not that God damn much. Although I will say that the Middle-Eastern community did enslave me to hummus. But that stuff is just delicious, and healthy. I was a willing victim in that flavor jihad. Just start bombing me with falafel and pita bread and I’ll be one happy camper.

Speaking of irony, last month, I came back home to what I think is still the “land of the free and the home of the brave” (though that might have been axed with the approval of the newest Patriot Act) to find that I have less freedom here (in a country that was founded on it), than I did in a authoritarian communist country. I had more freedom in CHINA than I have in the United States of America. For Christ’s sake the news is arguably more objective on CCTV-9 than it is on any of the major American networks. The thing is, in China there is no doubt who’s running the show. The citizens of America are sitting idly by and not doing a fucking thing about it. What’s worse is a whole fucking lot of them are buying Hummers! Gas is $3.00 gallon you fucking vomit twats! George W. Bush (who granted is a figure head) and his tyrannical handlers are sinking this country into the deepest circles of hell and not only are they getting away with it people still ACTUALLY SUPPORT them!

I almost have to tip my hat to the Bush administration and say, “Well done old chap. Well done indeed.” They have kicked the shit out of the American people and are standing with their jackboots pushing against our collective windpipes and we’re struggling, not to free ourselves from their stranglehold, but to unzip their pants and jack them off while they kill us.

We, as American people, have failed. We deserve the misery we allowed George W. Bush and his administration to sink us into. And I for one will be the first to recognize China as the next great leader of the United States of the People’s Repulic of China. So while I still have the freedom of speech that our constitution grants us, I’d like to say to George W. Bush,

“Fuck You. Fuck you for raping and defiling the country I love so much. Fuck you for vilifying the American people in the eyes of every other citizen on the face of the planet and fuck you for allowing them to be justified in their caustic opinions of us. You’re an ignorant, oblivious, evil man and you are to blame for the destruction of this country. Oh and nice work in New Orleans. You fuckin’ retard.”