Well I’m getting pretty restless over here and miss my life and friends back in Hangzhou terribly but check out what I found in my front yard the other day.

This is something that almost never happens in China. Largely because China has no wildlife because the land is too dirty. Oh they have rats, and a few squirrels protected in their national parks, and that “special” wildlife reserve where they don’t allow the patrons to throw lit cigarettes and all other sorts of inedible detritus at, like, the three pandas they got left. Which is sad because unlike China’s spoiled monkey population the national animal of China will never be able to inulge in the calming, smooth burning joy that is a cigarette from a 3 kuai pack of Sichuan’s finest tobacco concern. But I digress, all I’m saying is it’s damn rare you get to look out your front window in China and watch a large bird of prey swoop down and totally bitchslap a rodent which I think was a chipmunk or squirrel but it was hard to tell because only the bottom half was left. I got about five feet away from it before my dogs barrelled out of the house and scared it off, but prior to my idiot dogs ruining my reconnection with nature I decided to go out and rediscover the wildlife in my own back yard. Here are some pictures.

I live in Florida which is like living in a perpetual nature documentary, if nature documentaries were filled with slack-jawed fuckin’ rednecks. Not to speak too begrudgingly of my home state but it’s chock full o’ fuck nuts. It’s a beautiful state and thoroughly modern, no mass transportation (sorry poor people), but nice. And with the exception of the mosquitoes, love bugs (thanks a bunch University of Florida) and the huge cockroaches, it’s a nature lovers paradise. And if you, like me, have a soft spot for the herpetological check out this picture I took.

This particular species is commonly referred to as the Giant Camo Blood Devil Dragon of Hades. Hey, I don’t name’em. I just read the scientological books where the facts are contained about this DEADLY species. Measuring 6 feet from stem to stern (reptilian for: head to tail) and having “enviro-adaptable” scales this species blends in with its background laying in wait for its favorite prey…people. I was able to sneak up on this one while he was sunning himself on the warm gunwale of an overturned, rusting, Civil war ironclad that’s nearby my house. A relic of the famous Battle at Ne’erhappenedon it provides an ideal location for bloodthirsty dragons such as this one. To give you some idea as to the size of this unrelenting beast look at the chain link. One of those links is as big as I am (which is enormous). Apparently I got too close to this ornery son of Gorgon and Garoyle and it began to LITERALLY bark flaming piss at me. I made myself scarce and headed to what looked like the calmer area of land when I snapped a photo of this elusive bird.

The Cobra Necked Cunt Bill! Deadliest of Florida’s water birds. At a staggering 21 feet tall the Cobra Necked Cunt Bill boasts an impressive 86 foot wingspan. Weighing in at half a metric ton the bird, affectionately referred to by locals as “Ol’ Cunty,” loves to gorge itself on Hillshire Farms Christmas Sampler Baskets and Big League Chew. Thanks in no small part to its under wing lasers and razor sharp “cunt” bill Ol’ Cunty has no natural enemies other than crocodiles, which are laserproof, and man, who has bigger lasers and is, more oft than not, a bigger cunt. After snapping this photo with the glimmer of the setting sun rippling off the lake I had to pause a moment at the majesty of this bucolic scene and whisper, “My God, that is one regal cunt.”

So as I while away my time here waiting with baited breath for the call that brings me back to Hangzhou, I find solace in sitting at my front window, my camera in tow, waiting for nature to reveal itself to me in all its glory.