Well time keeps passing and much to my chagrin I’ve been unable to find a job back in Hangzhou that can pay me a wage that will help me alleviate the debt I accrued from going to college. Somewhat ironic isn’t it? I went to college to help ensure a better possibility of acquiring a high paying job in the future and here I am, two years after graduating, two years after working and living in China and being awarded “Teacher of the Year…IN THE WORLD,” and I’m in the worst financial shape of my life. I’ve waited as long as I possibly could but unfortunately two college degrees, (Two separate degrees, not that pussy ass double major shit.) Chinese language ability and experience don’t qualify me for shit outside of the education field, which unfortunately, pays shit. So I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that I’ll be living in America for longer than I planned to be. And I need to get a job…because being poor sucks.

So what kind of job does a guy with a degree in English and a degree in Asian Studies qualify for? If you said, “marine biology” you’d be absolutely correct. That’s right, after sifting through all the highly lucrative jobs in the food service industry and insurance sales I came across a job that combines my love of animals with my love of protecting them so as of this week I’m officially a Marine Mammal Observer…and I’ll live on a boat. Apparently the fact that I don’t have a degree in marine biology and I’ve never been on a boat (or “ship” as those ol’ sea dogs like to refer to them) doesn’t disqualify me from a lucrative job as an off shore worker in the field of marine mammal observation and protection. It’s pretty exciting. Even the training didn’t lack in the excitement department.

For example, this last Friday, I was in Lafayette, LA (where the Cajuns come from) to become certified in something called HUET. HUET, I came to find out, does not mean Humping Uruguayan Erotic Temptresses. It, in fact, means Helicopter Underwater Egress Training, and it’s a lot of fun. I learned a lot about off-shore survival and that I never ever want to have to put it into practice. The most fun was the helicopter simulator. You buckle in as you would in a normal chopper, then they blindfold you (which I do not believe they do on a normal helicopter) then they throw a lever that whips you backwards into the water until you are upside down in the water and have to wait 10 full seconds before you find the window by feel, pop it out, undo your seatbelt and pull your way through the hole where the window has to be. And you have to do it the right way or you fake die. The instructor was great and complimented my ability to stay cool even when water was shooting straight up my nose. But I passed both helicopter escape attempts and never fake died. So I was euphoric the rest of the day.

Oh! And I learned how to take my pants off and turn them into a life vest! No more straight leg for me! It’s baggy loose fit from now on (they hold more air).

I finished my training today, and as things work out for me, I have no time to rest. I “ship out” this Thursday (Thanksgiving) and I’ll be out on a boat for a whole month straight. So the good news is I’LL MISS CHRISTMAS TOO!!! I said that sarcastically, but after short reflection and realizing I’m not in China anymore and I fucking hate Christmas in America, maybe the boat won’t be so bad. The only thing worse than living at home with my paretns is being home with my parents during the holidays. And they wonder why I’m a drunk.

So anywho, I’m on a boat for a while, but they pay pretty well for someone who apparently has no marketable talents (Thank you U.S./Chinese job markets). I plan on saving up a lot of money at this job and getting back to China in about 6 months or maybe I’ll start a rock band or become an astronaut. Who the fuck knows? I just know it will be incongruous to every thing I’ve done prior. Maybe in 50 years I’ll come full circle and actually get a job I studied for and want to do. But in the meantime I have debt to pay off and people to get back to in China, so if I don’t post for a while it’s because I’m on a big boat, because I’m poor, and not being in China is tearing me apart inside. Two and half months back home have just steeled in me the fact that Hangzhou is my home and I miss my family over there. So months on a boat is a small price to pay.

On the upside I get to see whales and dolphins and all sorts of sea life and I’m helping to protect them so I’m excited about that. That’s a good thing….ugh a month on a boat. The things I’ll do for money. Why I just don’t start charging for sex I’ll never know. Oh yeah, no one in their right mind would pay me which is to bad because I’m fantastic.

Anyway I love you and miss you all. I’ll try to get back soon if you’ll have me. Honestly, I’m really trying.

Author’s Note: Sorry this wasn’t that funny but fret not, the post right beneath this one is really funny…and mildly disturbing…that’s how you know it’s good. Alf said I’m going to hell. Please enjoy.

Two months have gone by and I’m losing my patience with this whole deal. I know I came back home to spend time with my family but have you ever met my family? A week would have been plenty. The siblings are great but I hardly ever see them. I spend the lion’s share of my time with my grandmother and her alternating pair of caretakers (and that’s not by choice). Why two? Because they need a break. Sure, my 93 year old grandma may look all frail and innocent but that hunchbacked minion of Lucifer could make a wolverine kowtow and caper like a timid sugar glider. She’s a scrappy rogue of a geriatric that’s all I’m saying.

Anywho, that’s how I spend the majority of my day, with Grandma and her caretaker. And it isn’t like mom and dad thought of me for one second when they hired the caretaker(s). I expected a large-breasted Colombian woman Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and an equally large-breasted Dominican woman Tuesdays and Thursdays. Both of course would love to mix business with pleasure and have insatiable oral fetishes. And by pleasure I mean traumatizing Grandma with explicit acts of interracial passion on the love seat next to the rockin’ chair she spends most of her day in…waiting to die.

The worst part is that there is only one computer in the house that is connected to our high-speed internet connection and it’s in the front room, directly to the left of the front door and foyar. Two french doors (with no locking mechanism whatsoever) separate this important room from the rest of the house and its inhabitants. Most of you who know me will understand how vital this room is, for those of you who don’t allow me to explain.

I need to masturbate.

Simple as that. And as easily as it would be for me to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and use my imagination…like a chump…I’d much rather prefer to “conjugate the verb” while watching streaming hardcore pornography. It’s a quality of life issue I’m not too keen on ceding for the sake of the Sicilian, centenarian hate monger passed out on the couch with the Food Network blaring. But she never leaves the house, because she can’t, so you can imagine the masturbatory purgatory I’m presently existing in.

So I’m chatting with my friend on Instant Messanger the other day and send the IM appreviation “brb” which of course means “bowel/rectal biopsy” or “be right back” I’m not entirely sure, I’m new to this online chatting phenomenon/fad. But I got back a few minutes later and wrote, “Sorry. I had to take care of grandma.” He immediately responds with “Yeah suurrrre,” which I knew was sarcastic because of the extra “u’s” and “r’s” he used. He naturally assumed I left to spank it which is not unfounded, but I had really gone out to help grandma to the dining table and make her some lunch, but the phrase stuck with me.

Taking care of grandma.

Think about it! It’s the perfect euphemism for throttling the cycloptic spitting cobra which I believe is the term used by the American Medical Association. It’s cute, unoffensive and is metaphorically sound. Just check out the similarities between my grandma and my penis.

1. They are, more oft than not, a pale white and quite wrinkly, unless I’m aroused or whenever my grandma accidently walks into a windtunnel (Then she looks like the Luck Dragon from A Neverending Story.) and then they both tend to lose their respective wrinkled quality.

2. When erect they both rise to about 8 inches above my hip bone.

3. When either my grandma or penis gets excited or angry they started spitting in peoples’ faces.

I could probably find more commonalities but you get the point. It’s sound. And you can use this with your friends and no one will know you’re talking about engaging in the sinful dirty act of masturbation. For example: here’s a conversation you overhear at the watercooler at your office one morning.

Guy 1: Dude, can’t believe it’s already Monday. You catch the Jaguars game yesterday? Did ya? Lord Byron baby Lord Byron!

Guy 2: Yeah I watched it at the Wing Shack, then I went home and took care of grandma.

Guy 1: Oh yeah how’s she doing?

Guy 2: Quite frankly she’s was getting out of line. I had to put hands on her. Choked her so hard she puked up her oatmeal.

Guy 1: Word?

Guy 2: Word.

You see?! It’s Brilliant! A short conversation and no one is the wiser that after you ate chicken wings you went home and jacked off all over yourself. They just think you strangled your good for nothing grandmother. This is global, this is the next “Hey Hey Hey” or, dare I say, “Dyn-o-mite!” I allow and encourage all of you to use this phrase and spread it around…to the farthest edges of your social circles (I got T-shirts in the works). Are you as excited as I am? Because I’m excited. You know what? I think I need to take a break and… TAKE CARE OF GRANDMA!! WOO HOO!!

Author’s note: I seriously considered using a generic grandma image from Google images but thought differently considering the subject matter of this post. It is only proper that I use my own grandmother. And itf she has a problem with it then maybe she should have been nicer to me growing up. Hey Grandma! That’s what you get for forgetting my birthday 27 years in a row and telling everyone I wouldn’t amount to anything! Bitch!