Well time keeps passing and much to my chagrin I’ve been unable to find a job back in Hangzhou that can pay me a wage that will help me alleviate the debt I accrued from going to college. Somewhat ironic isn’t it? I went to college to help ensure a better possibility of acquiring a high paying job in the future and here I am, two years after graduating, two years after working and living in China and being awarded “Teacher of the Year…IN THE WORLD,” and I’m in the worst financial shape of my life. I’ve waited as long as I possibly could but unfortunately two college degrees, (Two separate degrees, not that pussy ass double major shit.) Chinese language ability and experience don’t qualify me for shit outside of the education field, which unfortunately, pays shit. So I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that I’ll be living in America for longer than I planned to be. And I need to get a job…because being poor sucks.

So what kind of job does a guy with a degree in English and a degree in Asian Studies qualify for? If you said, “marine biology” you’d be absolutely correct. That’s right, after sifting through all the highly lucrative jobs in the food service industry and insurance sales I came across a job that combines my love of animals with my love of protecting them so as of this week I’m officially a Marine Mammal Observer…and I’ll live on a boat. Apparently the fact that I don’t have a degree in marine biology and I’ve never been on a boat (or “ship” as those ol’ sea dogs like to refer to them) doesn’t disqualify me from a lucrative job as an off shore worker in the field of marine mammal observation and protection. It’s pretty exciting. Even the training didn’t lack in the excitement department.

For example, this last Friday, I was in Lafayette, LA (where the Cajuns come from) to become certified in something called HUET. HUET, I came to find out, does not mean Humping Uruguayan Erotic Temptresses. It, in fact, means Helicopter Underwater Egress Training, and it’s a lot of fun. I learned a lot about off-shore survival and that I never ever want to have to put it into practice. The most fun was the helicopter simulator. You buckle in as you would in a normal chopper, then they blindfold you (which I do not believe they do on a normal helicopter) then they throw a lever that whips you backwards into the water until you are upside down in the water and have to wait 10 full seconds before you find the window by feel, pop it out, undo your seatbelt and pull your way through the hole where the window has to be. And you have to do it the right way or you fake die. The instructor was great and complimented my ability to stay cool even when water was shooting straight up my nose. But I passed both helicopter escape attempts and never fake died. So I was euphoric the rest of the day.

Oh! And I learned how to take my pants off and turn them into a life vest! No more straight leg for me! It’s baggy loose fit from now on (they hold more air).

I finished my training today, and as things work out for me, I have no time to rest. I “ship out” this Thursday (Thanksgiving) and I’ll be out on a boat for a whole month straight. So the good news is I’LL MISS CHRISTMAS TOO!!! I said that sarcastically, but after short reflection and realizing I’m not in China anymore and I fucking hate Christmas in America, maybe the boat won’t be so bad. The only thing worse than living at home with my paretns is being home with my parents during the holidays. And they wonder why I’m a drunk.

So anywho, I’m on a boat for a while, but they pay pretty well for someone who apparently has no marketable talents (Thank you U.S./Chinese job markets). I plan on saving up a lot of money at this job and getting back to China in about 6 months or maybe I’ll start a rock band or become an astronaut. Who the fuck knows? I just know it will be incongruous to every thing I’ve done prior. Maybe in 50 years I’ll come full circle and actually get a job I studied for and want to do. But in the meantime I have debt to pay off and people to get back to in China, so if I don’t post for a while it’s because I’m on a big boat, because I’m poor, and not being in China is tearing me apart inside. Two and half months back home have just steeled in me the fact that Hangzhou is my home and I miss my family over there. So months on a boat is a small price to pay.

On the upside I get to see whales and dolphins and all sorts of sea life and I’m helping to protect them so I’m excited about that. That’s a good thing….ugh a month on a boat. The things I’ll do for money. Why I just don’t start charging for sex I’ll never know. Oh yeah, no one in their right mind would pay me which is to bad because I’m fantastic.

Anyway I love you and miss you all. I’ll try to get back soon if you’ll have me. Honestly, I’m really trying.

Author’s Note: Sorry this wasn’t that funny but fret not, the post right beneath this one is really funny…and mildly disturbing…that’s how you know it’s good. Alf said I’m going to hell. Please enjoy.