Day 14 Valentine’s Day

The fact that it is Valentine’s Day doesn’t bother me too much. I’d prefer to spend the day with someone I love and in turn loves me, but a boat full of Russians isn’t that bad either I suppose. The weather, like on Christmas, is poor. 10 foot waves, gale force winds and a path that’s sloughing our boat straight through the trough of the waves. With or against the waves would be preferable because the boat would just pitch on one axis that runs from bow to stern, but with the trough you pitch back and forth and side to side. The boat rolls. It’s not nauseating anymore, just unnerving. It wouldn’t be that bad if there was something to do but there isn’t.

The survey work hasn’t begun yet. The guns haven’t even been deployed yet. We’ve got 5 miles of streamer on this boat and not a foot is out or balanced. We’re two weeks at sea and have yet to get out and do any biological surveying that’s of any consequence. Today the weather’s been so bad we’ve not even stepped outside which wouldn’t be that bad if there were something to do. It’s painfully minimalist which on a boat doesn’t appreciate the same way it does in art or design. It just gets under your skin. You get stir crazy. I’ve got 8 more weeks out here and I’m already detecting stress cracks in my psyche. If I can’t find a way to entertain myself (and now that I’ve been forced to share a room with my colleague I can’t even “entertain myself”) I’m not going to make it. And this boat isn’t exactly accommodating, in fact, it’s at the heart of the problem. I’ve already written about the lack of communication with the outside world. No internet, no phones, and no TV. You’d think with all the satellites this sloop has on it one of them would be able to pick up ESPN but they aren’t having it. Oh well, I can get by without, I have books and my brain… and DVDs like Buckets of Cum and Super Squirters Vol. 10.

And not to stray too far from the topic but I’ve got a bone to pick with Leisure Time Digital Entertainment. They’re the producers of the inappropriately titled Super Squirters Vol. 10 film. Sure, there was a lot of hot fuckin’ action… well it was okay… actually it was rather uninspired… and they looped footage to extend the length of the feature which I’ll let slide considering I’m on a boat. No, the problem I have with this film is that not ONE of these women squirts. It’s blatant false advertising. If you title a movie, Super Squirters Vol. 10, the least you can do is make sure the women do just that. Right now female ejaculation is in vogue. It’s the new polyester. It’s all the rage. And your video is cashing in on this without delivering the goods. Not one woman erupting in a sloppy, orgasmic love geyser. Not one lactating breast. Not even a woman drinking a Squirt Soda while getting gangbanged by midgets dressed up like clowns and the clergy. Sorry, Leisure Time Digital, you just lost yourself a customer and don’t think I’m not going to inform my friends and colleagues… all avid porn fans I might add… that Leisure Time Digital Entertainment doesn’t care about its customers and would prefer to make its money by duping the masturbating public (which is a large percentage of the public I might add). For shame, Leisure Time Digital Entertainment, for shame. I am kicking myself for not picking up, The North Pole Vol. 17. At least with that you know your getting a film with some integrity. Peter North’s the kind of star that doesn’t phone it in. He bones it in. And I regret not picking it up.

So besides the shoddy porn, there are other things bothering me. Day in day out it’s the same food in the galley, some combination of meat, potatoes, and boney herring. Everyday for two full weeks it’s the same thing. I’m an hour away from downtown Kingston via chase boat and a restaurant called, “The Rib Kage,” which you know is bringing the jerk and I’m stuck rolling on a sea eating the same thing for a fort night. Washing it down with pasteurized juices and satisfying my sweet tooth with the occasional tin of ROYAL DANSK cookies.

Everybody knows ROYAL DANSK cookies. They’re the plain ass sugar cookies that come in the real fancy blue tin with bucolic pictures of Holland all over them to hide the fact that the contents are plain ass sugar cookies. Well I’m here to tell you ROYAL DANSK that you aren’t fooling anyone… except the guy on board this boat who’s responsible for ordering the food. And speaking of that guy… what’s with all the cases of plain seltzer water? Were they out of Coke? Pepsi? RC Cola? A&W? Shasta? Orangina? Sprite? 7-Up? Mugg? A-treat? Mountain Dew? All the generics? All flavored carbonated beverages? Who drinks or even uses plain seltzer besides clowns and Soupy Sales? It’s not like we have vodka to mix it with. It’s just straight seltzer water. Mmm!! Love the taste of carbon dioxide. Hits the spot. You know the last thing I want to do is compare ships but the last one I was on had no less than 7 brands of soda and 5 brands of cookie… including Oreo… DOUBLE STUFF. Would it kill them to spoil us a little? Cause I’ll tell you right now I’m not going to make it 10 weeks on Royal Dansk and seltzer. It’s like when we were kids and your poor friend invited you to sleep over at his house and you did because he was your friend but you hated it because there was nothing to eat or do because they were poor. That’s exactly what it’s like. I know, because I was that kid for a while.

I don’t want to come off sounding like a snob. I just want a Coca Cola. I don’t even want booze, just a soda… with flavor. God Almighty. No TV, no internet, no phones, no radio, no cookies worth a shit… it’s like The Shining on water. They’re daring me to crack. And I’m almost there. But I’m not going to. But so help me if I get offered another crappy ROYAL DANSK cookie I’m going to freak.

If you too hate ROYAL DANSK cookies, felonious pornography, or me… send me an email at greg@shatskiy.marsatmail.com. You can comment on my site but I’m unable to access my website so I won’t be able to read them. If you really have something to say, send me an email… I’ll more than likely get back to you… seeing as how I’ve got nothing else to do and I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.