Some Long Overdue Updates
Sorry for the delay in posting. I went on a bit of a bender (read: entire month of April) after getting off the Shatskiy. There’s much to write about. And I will…with much eloquence and demur. But first things first. I would like to thank everyone who sent emails and left comments on my site while I was away. Mainly, the Danish…or Danes…I’m unsure as to the proper address. A big, long overdue, “Thank you,” to the fine citizens of Denmark for commenting on my site and feigning interest in my inane rambling about cookies. Your comments and emails helped keep my spirits up whenever misfortune reared its levelling scythe. I’d also like to include the people from Poland, Holland, Sweden…well the whole of Northern Europe. You guys were very nice and I appreciate it.
I’d also like to thank my friends, the people I’ve known for years, for the words of support and encouragement they sent me while I was rotting away on a boat for 9 weeks with no food and shoddy plumbing. The fact that you guys took time out of your busy day to send me a letter, news articles, or maybe just some jokes meant the world to me. Or it would have if any of you did. Over two months I was gone…and not a word from the people I’ve known the most…the people I grew up with…some of whom I’ve known for over a decade. Not a thing. You guys really dropped the ball. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I almost died (no shit) and not even a, “hey when you gettin’ back buddy?” or “see you soon.” I’m disgusted with the lot of you.
Some of you did actually send me emails and for that I am in your debt. The rest of you…I must turn my back on….I don’t know where I’m going with this…I’m not really pissed. Honestly I could care less. Really, I know all y’all are busy. I couldn’t possibly hold a grudge…or could I? The preceding paragraph is kind of moot now. You know other people besides you read this site (like the entire country of Denmark) besides you guys. That whole paragraph is just a waste of time now. Stop being so selfish. Stop wasting everyone’s time. You’re all whores.
And speaking of whores I’ve got a book almost complete that is sure to be turned into a major motion picture. I won’t reveal too much but I’ll give you a little taste. The following is the back sleeve synapsis of my first book of fiction. It combines, in poetic prose, the experiences I accrued during my 2 and a half years in China with my scholarly and passionately honed love of hard fucking.
“From the mean streets of Shanghai to the rural foothills of Sichuan Province, Gregory T.S. Kummery takes you on a heart-pumping, page-turning, erotic-adventure that is sure to leave you gasping from the suspense or the inevitable orgasms you’ll produce from this literary tour de force. Probably both.
Jack Da Vinci is a award winning ESL teacher who falls deeply in love with an off duty prostitute named Tang Wei Yao. After this fateful encounter, which is described in 97 pages of illicit description, full-color photos and diagrams, Jack wakes up in shackles in an empty, unfamiliar apartment. Tang Wei Yao has dissappeared. Struggling with the shackles his blazing, sapphire blue eyes trace his body down to his inner thigh where a sharp pain is emanating. It was Tang’s frantic last message, ‘Please find me.’ Breaking loose of the shackles with animal-like strength Jack begins his search for the woman that, only hours ago, he fell madly in love with. With no leads Jack returns to the brothel where Tang used to work, but no one is talking and the thugs guarding the place don’t look too inviting. With the insurmountable odds stacked against him Jack Da Vinci plays the one card he has. His only strength to try and gain some leverage and find some answers…his sexual prowess. But it’s not just Jack’s insatiable passion for women that gets answers. It’s his seed. What these tight lipped women don’t know about Jack’s beanbag broth is that it leaves you unable to lie. One drop of this sexy sodium pantathol on your skin, or worse, straight in your mouth (as does happen in 17 different and equally, well-written passages of hot, roiling action) and you’ve no choice but to confess.
So join Jack on a whirlwind tour of China, as he screws and humps his way from whorehouse to KTV lounge, from the neon-lit streets of…well any town in China…to the back alley brothels of…well every town in China. Will he find the love of his life? Will he elude the Triads chasing him? Will he have enough juice to find all the answers he needs before time runs out? There’s only one way to find out. Read: The Da Vinci Load”
Sounds pretty sweet doesn’t it? You know you’d read it. The Da Vinci Load. Good God I’m a dork.
Oh! I read your comments and message received…a forthcoming piece on maritime masturbation is in the works. It should answer all the questions you could possibly have and ensure without a shadow of a doubt that no woman will ever date me again.
In other China related news, I will be returning to Hangzhou in the upcoming months. By the end of August I should be back in the city of West Lake bitching about things with the same fervor I had before. So I’ll keep you updated. Right now everything is set, it’s just a matter of having the financial means to do so, and that is working itself out rapidly. I tried my hand at modelling to make extra cash but the fine people at Marlboro cigarettes have yet to get back to me with an answer yet. I thought it was a good idea since they’ve all but thrown away the image of the Marlboro man cowboy. This is one of the sample pictures I sent them (it’s also the only one where I’m clothed). Check it out:
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Ahh… Great to finally be greeted by new entries here. Almost gave up. Thought that bender had absorbed you completely. I recently spoke to the rest of Danes, and we are all happy that you are back to fill our meaningless lives. Please write more about Danish cookies. Mmm… cookies…
Comment by Peter — May 30, 2006 @ 4:27 pm
Ohh… btw. I’m consider starting to smoke since I saw your Marlboro picture.
Comment by Peter — May 30, 2006 @ 4:28 pm
It might have helped if the cigarette were more prominently displayed. It’s all but invisible in that photo. I’m afraid you have a thing or two to learn about the intersection of proper lighting and fine tobacco products, my friend.
Comment by John — May 31, 2006 @ 9:18 pm
Poland is spelled with one “l”
Comment by a Pole — June 10, 2006 @ 6:34 pm
So is “loser.”
Comment by Greg — June 12, 2006 @ 6:49 pm