Throughout the canon of human history like minds have, sometimes quite independently of one another, created works and theories and literature that have extolled the strength of the human spirit, advanced the movement of science and exploration, and inspired generations to strive for social and political change in the hopes of bettering themselves and their community. There was Sun Tzu and Macchiavelli, Marx and Engels, Einstein and Fermi, and now I have Larry Flynt and the fine people at Hustler Studios. Yes, that is correct. Less than a week after posting a synopsis of my breakthrough, action-packed, erotic/suspense-thriller,The Da Vinci Load, Hustler Studios has released its own version of The Da Vinci Load that promises to be as entertaining as my fictional book of fiction (possibly even more so if you consider that unlike my book the film actually exists). My friend John (B. not P.) brought this to my attention after Google searching the title phrase. You couldn’t imagine how surprised and pleased I was. Check out the link (careful, there’s a wee bit of nudity):

lhttp://www.fleshbot.com/sex/dvds/dvd-review-the-da-vinci-load-162373.php

Now some people might feel discouraged that somebody has beaten them to their own idea but not me. My Da Vinci Load was all my own. Conceived independently and with no outside stimuli or guidance. They can’t take that away from me. They just had the ways and means of realizing their dream before me. I feel good about it. It’s promising. It means I’m close. Writers are always looking for approval or favorable comparison. They dream of being referred to in the same air as Updike or Irving, coincidently, I don’t think there’s a single, up and coming, writer that yearns to be compared to Dan Brown…that’s like yearning to be compared to a mildly retarded sell out with a poor grasp of dialogue*. Well as of right now, I’ve reached The Hustler level. I made that bold and italicized because it’s Hustler and Hustler rules and I don’t believe it requires that complex or far-fetched a syllogism to deduce that I’m worthy of being mentioned in the same air. So much so that I’m going one stop further on the Syllogism Express:

Hustler Rules.
I’ve now reached the Hustler level.
Therefore (ipso facto), I RULE.

Here’s another flawless arguement of pure logic:

Hustler produced an Adult Film spoofing Dan Brown’s novel, The Da Vinci Code (no bold for you, Dan Brown).
I (may or may not) have written a similar erotic spoof of the same Dan Brown novel.
Conclusion:
I am totally going to buy that movie and possibly (read: definitely) manhandle myself in a violently self-satisfying, one-man lust ballet whilst doing so.

Seriously, did you click on the link above and read the review? Did you read that line from the movie? If you didn’t, here it is:

“Ladies, every time you let a guy nut in your snatch just because he’s a professional skater or drives a Mitsubishi Lancer with Chinese writing on the side, you are polluting the social soup.”

Oh my God this movie is going to rule! You get to laugh hysterically AND have an orgasm. It’s like what every girl who’s every dated me has done on every single date we’ve ever had! And that’s true. Because I’m incredibly funny and incredibly great in bed…sometimes at the same time. Nothing gets a woman shuddering with waves of orgasmic pleasure like a raucous belly laugh induced by my skewed views on airplane food and rush hour traffic. Laughing and love together at last in a poorly act porno based on a poorly written novel. Joy to the World.

So in conclusion I would like to offer my Hustler level talents to the fine people at Hustler themselves and pen, pro bono (don’t even go there!!!), the follow up to The Da Vinci Load. I’ve based it off another equally banal Dan Brown piece, Angels and Demons. But my baudy rendition is titled, Angels in Semen. Huh? Huh? This shit practically writes itself! Look for it in the Spring of ‘07…starring Raylene.

*Dan Brown’s never been particulary adept at writing dialogue. It’s not his strong suit (his skills lie in cribbing from much more talented authors like Umberto Eco). In fact the last line of his book, Angels and Demons, is so bad (“then you’ve never been with a Yoga master before.”) it made me want to bitch slap a handicapped kid. The fact that his book right now is a National Bestseller and the “most controversial” book since the Satanic Verses (which no one read because it was actually erudite, well written and good) is proof positive that America, across the board, has failed in adequately educating its citizens. The fact that this almost completely fallacious piece of hackneyed claptrap is extolled by so many as a masterpiece shows just how ignorant Americans have gotten and how far we’ve sunk as a society. For shame Dan Brown, for shame.