Check out this story: China Love Boat Wants Rich, Good-Looking

Ah, love is in the air in Shanghai. A love as pure as the driven snow. A love so strong it redefines the previous parameters set for how strong its bonds could be. A love that is so exclusive that only people in a certain income bracket can possibly hope to attain it. I speak of the love that’s gonna be found by 60 or so men and women on the Shanghai Match Making Cruise for Millionaires. That’s not the name of the cruise but the article doesn’t provide one so that’s what I’m calling it.

If you didn’t click the link above I annotated the entire article below. Annotations and asides either in (parentheses) or italics. Please enjoy.

BEIJING (AP) - A matchmaking love boat cruise (read: slave ship) open only to male millionaires (read: corrupt, emotionally vacuous, dickholes) and “good-looking and desirable” women (read: equally vacuous, money grubbing whores) is slated to set sail later this month, a state-run Chinese newspaper (read: freest press in the world) said Tuesday.

Men (?) on the cruise scheduled to go along Shanghai’s Huangpu (translated literally: smells great) River must be worth at least 2 million yuan ($250,000), the China Daily quoted organizer Xu Tianli as saying.

Xu said more than 20 men had signed up for the Nov. 25 cruise and that half of those registered to take part were worth more than 200 million yuan ($25 million).

Fewer than 30 of the 1,000 woman who applied were accepted, Xu said. To those 970 or so women who didn’t get accepted: Don’t feel bad. In 10-15 years you’ll have come out on top. Money can’t buy love. Only spirited cunnilingus and wicked good cock action get you that. And if these dudes had that they wouldn’t need to board an exclusive ship full of 30 stranded, disillusioned opportunists.

“Only those who were attractive in every category can take part in this event,” Xu said, without giving the specific criteria interested female applicants had to meet. For the record that criteria was: looks (tall, slender, no curves whatsoever and long black hair), capacity for servitude, willingness to incur aphasia, and mobility/flee threat.

“Rich men are normally very busy (sexually harassing their secretaries and figuring out ways to exploit peasants), and most of the women they meet are there for work or business, which these men consider to be unsuitable for relationships,” Xu said. (“Unsuitable” meaning any independent woman that thinks and works for themselves.)

One of the men who signed up for the cruise, identified only by his surname Sun, said “appearance is most important to me.” No shit asshole. You’re buying your wife. No one thought you were going to take the club-footed peasant with the heart of gold.

Yep that’s romance in China. You know I kind of feel bad for the guy with the least amount of money on that boat because he’s going to be ignored until the 11th hour when the least willing bitch to spread slinks over to him with tears in her eyes because she shamed her family by not excepting the 10,000 kuai offer to get double stuffed by two swarthy sock factory owners from Wenzhou. He’ll grudgingly acquiesce to her painfully forced advances because he knows the cruise is coming to an end and he sure as hell ain’t leaving empty handed and in 10 months time a baby will be born to the most unhappy couple in China.

If anyone wants to know where I’ll be on the 25th of November you can find me standing on the bank of the Huangpu River with a 30-foot banner hanging off my boner that says “Two Million Kuai Will Never Make You Come.” Why? Because I’m a fuckin’ romantic that’s why.