Leave it to the freaks at www.newscientist.com to report this and subsequently shit in my metaphorical sunday: China Agrees to Ban Transplant Tourism

And leave it to China to bow to “foreign pressure” (whatever that is) and ban transplant tourism. What’s this country coming to? There used to be a time when any Joe Laowai with a satchel full of silver could walk down a street in Anytown, P.R.C. and shank himself an organ. Not too long ago I remember strolling down the dusk-lit promenades of West Lake and cheerfully juking my way around the freshly vivisected, smiles on their faces (well some) and money in their hands. It was a common business practice that was mutually beneficial to all parties involved. Joe Laowai got that kidney he needed and Zhong Guoren got a sack full of shekels for his troubles. Everyone’s a winner (most of the time).

Not to mention that, from a business standpoint, they couldn’t have picked a worse time to impose such a ban. The Olympics are right around the corner. You think people who have the cash to travel halfway around the world to watch a sporting event, albeit the grandest of all sporting events,* are going to pinch pennies when it comes to buying top-notch organs from the freshly executed? Of course not. A healthy heart isn’t going to reduce these people to petty squabbling. Quite the opposite. It’s going to incite a bidding war. Organs will be flying off the shelves and at record prices. And who’s more deserving of these precious organs than rich white people who spent thousands to watch a Hungarian they never heard of win Bronze in the hammer throw. These people are our social betters and deserve the preferential treatment that comes along with spending exorbitant amounts of money on an, ultimately futile, sporting event. I already made posters:

(On a side note: If you are in the organ trade I think Formula One events would also be a lucrative place to conduct business. Just set up a stand between Rolex and Red Bull and wait for the moolah to start rolling in. Just a thought. Just throwing it out there.)

From the article: “It’s very encouraging,” says Keith Rigg, a UK surgeon based in Nottingham who attended the summit. “They’re aware there’s been a lot of bad publicity.”

Oh, holy shit! Keith Rigg said that?! Keith Rigg from Nottingham?! Well then I might have to change my mind about this whole “organs for cash” racket. If Keith Rigg doesn’t have my back then you can count me out. I jest of course.

First off, that quote is a complete fabrication. New Scientist is notorious for making up false claims, stories and quotes to promote their salacious agenda of fact finding and discovery. If there was any truth to what they were saying the name of their publication and website wouldn’t be “New Scientist” but rather “Because That’s What Jesus Said.” Secondly, Nottingham isn’t even a real place. Everybody knows it’s a magical fantasy land conjured up by tall-tale telling tricksters like the Lost City of Gold or the female G-spot. And finally, what “bad publicity” could come from transplant tourism? You’re giving someone something they need and you’re taking it from someone who proved through his/her actions (like speaking out about transplant tourism) that they need to be executed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it as long as you disregard all ethical responsibilities you have toward your fellow man. If the Bush Administration and Fox News has taught us anything is that you can do any heinous thing you like as long as you put the right spin on it.

An aggressive ad campaign could really help ensure record profits at the 2008 Olympics. Slogans like:

“Come to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China and while you’re here pick up some bone marrow for little Sally’s terminal cancer!!”

“Enjoy the excitement of the 2008 Olympic Games and while you’re here take advantage of our 2 for 1 on kidneys, lungs and testicles!!”

“I went to the 2008 Beijing Olympics and all I got was this lousy pancreas.”

It’s a veritable gold mine. The potential money to be made off the the dual draw of the Olympics and organs is unfathomable. It’s called “synergy.” Like putting Michael Jordan on a box of Wheaties to increase sales. Everybody knows that cereal sucks ass but they sell tons because of the athlete on the box. I wasn’t immune either. When I was 8 years old I couldn’t resist the draw of the special edition Martina Navratilova** box even though I knew contained within that box was the mushiest, most unsatisfying cereal on the planet…next to Kix. Kix sucks. The point is synergy like this means money in the bank. It’ll put every other golden week to shame. So rise up and let your voices be heard and tell those fat cats in Beijing that you want your organs!!

*”Grandest,” that is, if you’re a 3rd World Country with nothing else going for it…like football. Either one really. You ask any dude, “Who won the last Superbowl?” or “Who won the Premiership last year?” and they’ll probably know. If you asked them who won the Gold Meal at the 2000 Athens Olympics in the Women’s 200 meters or Dressage they probably won’t. Anybody who would know is either Jamaican or gay, respectively.