My Trip to the ZOO
(author’s note: this is a long one)

Let me start by saying I’m a nice person and hardly ever do I feel the need to whack somebody upside the head with a monkey wrench, or beat them mercilessly with an object of emasculating degradation (like a studded ,18 inch, double-ended, black dildo). Truth be known, the actual sight of violence makes me sick to my stomach. But there are two situations where it takes all of my will power to not inflict bodily harm on another human being. One instance where I feel violence is justified is towards people who maliciously attack others because of their, race, religion, gender or sexual preference. The other situation involves people who mistreat or abuse animals, which brings me to my trip to the zoo, where I learned something about our beloved K-9 companions.

Last week I went to the Hangzhou zoo at the polite behest of an old friend who was visiting. Normally I like zoos. I see them as sanctuaries for injured or endangered animals that, for whatever reason, cannot be released back into the wild. We, in turn, can go to visit and observe them up close without traveling to their sometimes far away land of origin. Good zoos like the ones in Philadelphia, San Diego and Orlando are testaments to what can be done to study, protect and propagate the endangered species we are responsible for wiping off the face of the planet. I’ve read and heard a lot of accounts of zoos in China and let me tell you, they aren’t the havens of wildlife conservation we consider them to be back in the states. Chinese zoos seem to be cut from the same cloth as traveling circuses and snuff film carnival tent shows. They (the employees) seem to have an overall disdain for the animals they keep as opposed to the reverence one would expect of dedicated zookeepers. I’ll start by saying this zoo was a lot better than what I was expecting but there are three things that stuck out about my visit that left an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

First off there was the bear show. I didn’t know what I was going in to see but I saw a lot of people heading for this building and went with the crowd to see what all the commotion was about. I remember the animal shows back home. Nice environment, soft-spoken, animal loving zoologists teaching us about the animals particular to their area of expertise (the herpetologists were always my favorite). You learned something, and the fun came from being able to get so close to these magnificent animals and really understand them.

At the Hangzhou zoo’s bear show the “arena” where the bears performed looked as though it were formerly used for no holds barred prison fights or the holding pen at a slaughterhouse and the “entertainment” came from forcing a bunch of malnourished bears to perform mundane tasks humans can do like walking on one’s hands/paws, manipulating a jump rope and boxing. Let me tell you, the bear that lost really looked like he or she enjoyed getting pummeled by what I’m sure was his or her relative. Well the crowd just loved it, and when they weren’t spooking the bears with incessant flash photography they were flicking their cigarettes into the performance area. “Hey let the bear smoke a cigarette! That’d be great! Uh Har Har Har!” The other people in the audience just ate it up, as if for the first time they got to see what bears really do in the wild; ride bikes, walk on balance beams and wear Mexican wrestler masks. First off, bears walk on all fours. I’m no zoologist but I think that’s their preferred method of movement. Here, however, they get a crack on the butt with a riding crop if they don’t mimic the bi-pedal locomotion used by their genetically superior overlords (the zookeepers). I couldn’t help but notice how distended the bears’ spines looked and it freaked me out.

The grand finale of the show consisted of dragging out an obviously tired, female elephant that not too long ago had just given birth to a baby of her own. But this didn’t stop the zookeepers from opening all the gates of the “arena” to the audience who now had free and easy access to the momma elephant and her offspring. I don’t know if you know this but momma elephants are EXTREMELY protective of their babies, something you think the zookeepers would have told the 85 people that flooded into the performance area to tug on, kick, prod and humiliate said elephant and her calf. My friend snapped some pictures of the debacle when one asshole got a little too daring with the baby elephant and the mom saw it and let out a noise and bodily thrust that shook the room. All the Chinese folk laughed and laughed at the “stupid” animal trying to protect its young calf and went right back on a pokin’ and a proddin’. My friend and I had seen enough to know an impending rampage was not far off. Once outside, safe from trample, a few thoughts came to mind.

1. Chinese people seriously don’t line up for shit. Even when faced with a situation like having a 5 ton animal crush your body into goo, a situation that could be prevented by lining up in an orderly fashion and waiting your turn to see the elephant. They, as always, rushed in to be the first to taunt an exploit an animal that is more than capable of killing them. For the record, the ringed “arena” was not that big. Maybe thirty feet in diameter and that elephant and her calf took up a third of it, the rest of the space consisted of slack-jawed Chinese tourists. If that elephant lost it (I’m amazed it didn’t) those people would have been in severe danger. But this doesn’t register in their minds because…

And this brings me to my second thought.

2. As where the majority of Westerners I know, respect or at least understandably fear wildlife, the audience members I sat along side seemed unified in the concept that they were superior to the animals they were watching. That man had tamed and conquered the “wild beasts” of nature. There was neither respect nor fear for the animals they were observing. They paid 25 kuai not to learn about these exotic creatures but to reaffirm that they were at the top of the evolutionary chart.

I’ll stop briefly to say that I am not accusing all Chinese of being inherently condescending and/or abusive towards animals. It is only what I felt after having observed what I had at the zoo. For as many Chinese there are that disrespect animals there are many more that love and respect them. Unfortunately none of them happened to come to the Hangzhou zoo the day I was there. Westerners aren’t exempt from such behavior either. I lived in Florida for over ten years and I can tell you the number of dipshits that lost life, limb or Labrador to a hungry alligator is bigger than you think.

After the show we strolled over to the elephant habitat. Not seeing any we went around back to where there pens were. I’m an animal lover and I hurt physically when I see animals in pain and the first elephant we came upon was a great big male with meter long tusks. He wasn’t in pain, he was pissed.

Several years ago my father got the idea that a tropical bird flying around the house, shitting on everything and destroying the crown moldings would really make a great addition to our already dysfunctional family (And it did work to bond the family together. After two months with that squawking hell bird, we were all in accord that it needed to die). We went to a breeder and picked a baby Indian Ringed-neck. The breeders were very knowledgeable and one of the things they told us was the temperament of a bird can be seen in the dilation of its pupils. The more dilated the pupils (the black parts of the eye) were, the happier it was. If its pupils were tightly constricted and small it meant the bird was irritable and wanted to be left alone. Let me tell you this works for elephants too. It was easily 10 feet tall at the shoulder and the tusks could gore through 3 of me, but the first thing I noticed were his eyes. I immediately thought of our parrot’s eyes the day my father decided to clip its wings. Eyes of pure rage. My friend and I stopped in front of its enclosure to attempt to soothe it with calming baby talk and he snuck his trunk out through the massive bars and for a split second I went out to pet it when all of a sudden he reared his nostrils up at us and huffed a mucous laden bark at us. We jumped three feet back and both screamed like girls which is fine for my friend because she is one but for me I was mildly embarrassed. Then I realized (or perhaps rationalized) that screaming like a girl is a completely suitable response when a ten foot tall pachyderm tells you with snot to get the fuck away. Shaken by our encounter we went to the neighboring cage and found the source of his anger. A younger elephant, chained at the foot to one of the enclosure’s bars, in seizure, trying to free itself only to be able to stand comfortably on all four feet. To add insult to injury on the other side of the enclosure some Chinese guy was taunting it and throwing shit at it. Real compassionate. We left the elephant habitat hoping to find some thing to cheer us up.

That’s when I almost got shit on by a fucking giraffe.

After a close call with giraffe excrement we happened upon the monkey habitat. Which brings me to another important point, something all Chinese people need to learn and the Chinese government at all levels needs to start initiating. When you are out hiking in any of China’s beautiful national parks or you’re at the zoo, or in your own neighborhood.

DON”T FEED THE FUCKING ANIMALS!

To take a quote from one of America’s greatest citizens, Homer Simpson, “Son, when the sign says, ‘Do not feed the bears.’ Man, you better not feed the bears.” In the episode this line is delivered by Homer who is at the breakfast table speaking to his children, Bart and Lisa. Upon delivering the above lines he lifts his arm up from underneath the table to reveal a bear cub attached by tooth and claw to his forearm. That’s because when you feed wild animals they lose their fear of humans. Something almost all animals are born with. Instead of seeing people as a threat they see people as a source of food. When people don’t have food for these animals to eat they eat the people. When animals lose their fear of humans accidents happen and the images are truly terrifying:

Truly disturbing. But that’s what happens when you allow people to feed wild animals, and that’s why so many tourists in Sichuan get attacked by monkeys. And monkeys are strong. With big teeth. And they’re wily. But people over here don’t know this, so the entire floor of the monkey habitat is littered with plastic bags that once contained peanuts, crackers and cookies, aluminum cans of cola, and plastic water and iced tea bottles. Of course throwing unopened bags of food at animals not familiar with the concept of packaging doesn’t register with the zoo patrons as a potentially dagerous action. After all, it’s a well known fact that monkeys go bananas for a Nestea plunge after snarfing down an unwrapped tube of Oreos. It was really depressing. Normally I enjoy the monkey and great ape exhibits at any zoo. Watching those wacky bastards cavort and caper on the ropes and swings and what not. What’s not to like? Say what you will about chimpanzees (the common favorite) but I’ll put a house full of howler monkeys up against them any day. The last time I was at the zoo in Florida the howler monkeys had me rolling! I haven’t laughed that hard since Hamburger U. Anywhoseits I’m straying from the point (damn scotch).

A unique feature of the Hangzhou zoo is the dog exhibit. Well it’s not so much an “exhibit” as it is an expansive kennel of depression. Now I love dogs. In fact the one thing I miss back home more than my family is my dachshund. A majestic wiener dog I aptly named, Wienerdog. He’s so cute and loyal, bit of a problem with incontinency but nothing to fault him for. I did save him from the pound, that’s like death row for dogs, it’s no surprise if the trauma causes some behavioral problems here and there. Besides he mainly pissed on my girlfriend’s shit so I couldn’t care less. For two straight days I held that scared, shaking long dog like a baby till he knew he was safe and loved which brings me to my third point of uneasiness with the zoo.

Why the fuck do Chinese men harass the fuck out of dogs? There I petting a Bassett Hound through the chain link fence, giving and getting some love when all of a sudden he withdraws and starts growling and barking. I turn around and there’s a Chinese guy with his girlfriend. I suppose he was trying to impress her with his fearlessness because he walked right over to the Bassett’s enclosure and started whacking it in the nose with his umbrella laughing and puffin’ out his chest. I let it slide grudgingly. But mainly because the chain link separation between them kept his abuse to a minimum physically. The psychological abuse it had on the dog though was more than severe. The thing is, this wasn’t an isolated incident. It wasn’t just this dog, it was all of the dogs. I was able to go up to each one, put my hands through the fence and pet their head and muzzle…until a Chinese man came into their line of sight. They immediately withdrew and got into protect and attack mode. This is something I’ve not only seen at the zoo, but on the streets, in people’s homes, and in restaurants where dog was not even on the menu.

About a week after my trip to the zoo, I’m at a nice Xinjiang restaurant with friends when these assholes stroll in with their dog (nice Golden Retriever mix) and then beat it when it started sniffing around for food. What do you think the dog’s going to do in a Xinjiang Restaurant? Pray towards Mecca? No, he’s gonna try to get his paws on some lamb. I just can’t stand it. Maybe it’s the scotch talking but I’m sick and tired of the animal mistreatment I see almost daily. Something should be done. But I’m just one man who no Chinese listen to or respect because I’m under the height of 180cm, so I’m asking the blogging community here in China to copy the image below and put it onto your sight if you believe the animal abuse should stop. I spent a lot of time on it and am pretty proud of it. I hope you like it.

Pretty effective huh? I made it myself! YAY!! Anywho, if you want to join with me in the fight for animal rights in China copy this image and put it on your site. And let me know you did becuase that would be totally sweet. I know it’s kind of big but you can shrink it down if you like. That’s cool. Man this was a long post. Hope you enjoyed it. More to come.

Just a Suggestion

Over the past few months I’ve noticed (and in some cases read) an increasing number of stories relating to the potential threat Avian Influenza or Bird Flu could pose in Asia and the rest of the world. Both the CDC and the WHO have stated that there is the chance of worldwide pandemic infection with the populations of China and South East Asia at the highest risk due to their (our) proximity to the origin of the disease. Best case scenarios by the WHO state that between 2 to 7 million people will perish from the disease, and billions infected. Worst case scenarios would be Biblical in the number of people dead. I don’t know about you but that scares the living shit out of me.

Winter has arrived and so has the flu season and so far Bird Flu has not broken out amongst the general population. The key is to contain the virus and keep it from spreading. The question now is: How do we contain it? We know the virus originated in the areas we refer to as Southern China/South East Asia. And as of yet it has not broken out among the general population. There have been isolated cases but nothing widespread. What can we do? I believe I have a solution.

Viruses are fragile life forms needing a host onto which they can survive and multiply. For millions of years it was happy transmitting itself among birds of all types, but now has developed a proclivity to exist off of humans. Viruses cannot exist in extreme temperatures. They need the consistent warmth of its host to prosper and reproduce. By knowing the origin of and the inherent fragility the virus shows towards temperature I have devised the following plan.

I call this lifesaving plan the, “Ring of Fire.” It is in essence a giant ring of cleansing, virus roasting fire that surrounds, with the northern half of its ring, Southern China (only Guangdong, Guangxi, Yunnan and Hong Kong) and encloses in its southern half prime areas of Burma, Thailand Vietnam and Laos. All potential hot spots for a bird flu outbreak. The wall of fire, which could be easily fueled via infected fowl and garbage, would maintain a consist median height of 15 meters (about fifty feet) and be half a kilometer thick (3,000 feet thereabouts). The Ring of Fire or “Safety Circle” or “Prometheus’ Cure” would burn continuously for three months about the time scientists hope to have a vaccine ready. Using the most advanced graphics software available I have been able to model what this ring might look like.

You’ll notice the large “computer generated” star just northeast of the fire. That’s Hangzhou. The city I live in. It’s located in the “safe” region. Protected by the Ring of Fire or the “Flaming Health Halo’s” cleansing sear. In fact anyone outside the ring is protected and those inside are at no greater risk than before the “Raging Scorch Sphere” was ignited. Travel into or out of the ring will, of course, be restricted to trips of necessity only. Planes and helicopters can still access the infected inner sanctum as can trains, but only after we’ve coated every train car in flame retardant asbestos. It’s a cheap and healthy solution to allow for cost effective, need based, travel.

I know it sounds like a drastic plan. Some might go so far as to call it “inconceivable” or “insane”, but when you look at the death tolls from the last few flu pandemics (over 52 million dead) a 5,ooo mile long ring of flaming chickens and garbage doesn’t sound too crazy. And if I might say, a small price to pay for piece of mind.

Solely for Glenn (a devoted visitor to my site) I present:
The Hangzhou Babe Scene

Of all the, oh I’d say….FIVE, people that read my site, Glenn has been one of the most devout. And he has always left comments of appreciation and encouragement. But moreover he’s left me more than one comment requesting I submit a missive documenting the “babe scene” in Hangzhou. I’ve as of yet done a post on the PP (pussy potential) of my host city not because I’m not ALL about the ladies, but because my lack of travel throughout China has given me no frame of reference with which I can compare. I’ve yet to travel north of Shanghai and south of Wenzhou (That’s in the south of Zhejiang. The province that contains Hangzhou.) I can’t, with any validity say, “Hangzhou snapper beats the fuck out of Harbin’s snowy lust caverns, but compared to axe wound in Lhasa, Hangzhou is laggin’ WAY behind.” (I actually want to kick myself in the testicles for that last sentence.) Anywho, out of respect to someone who’s taken the time to continue reading my on again off again site I’ll acquiesce to his request a speak a little about the girls of Hangzhou.

From here on out, “you,” is not to be associated in any way shape or form with Glenn. It is to be seen as the general “you,” bereft of specific individual label unless otherwise specified.

Hangzhou is a big city. At last count (yes, I counted) the population was around 6.5 million. Not counting migrant workers from other areas of China. Hangzhou is a very developed city, considered (by some) to be “the next Shanghai.” God willing it won’t be because that place sucks shitty taint. With the exception of a handful, Shanghai’s laowai population is lower than crocodile piss. They strut around like latter day Napoleons scoffing at their Chinese hosts as though they were some sort of savage novelty. Like the way European settlers used to ship back caged Native Americans for the pleasure of their home countries hedonistic aristocracy. It sickens me and if not for dear friends, Taco Popo, and the airport I’d never visit. But I digress, Hangzhou is a modern city that has been, thus far, able to balance its undeniable Chinese identity with the Westernization inherent in rapid economic development. The reason why this city is so desirable a location is that foreigners here are able to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese alongside Dong Po Rou and West Lake fish. Patron a Western style bar in arm with native Chinese counterparts. Hail a brand new Volkswagon Boro cab that contains a driver that speaks absolutely no English. Hangzhou is great because you never forget you are in China, and it offers all the things you need to make yourself feel better when you are homesick. I still digress but I’m wandering closer to Glenn’s desired point.

Hangzhou, while not being as metropolitan a city as Shanghai, Beijing or Guangzhou, is a big modern city. And a big modern city offers you (if you are looking) a more openminded woman. One that is not completely adverse to the thought of courting a foreign man. However, this does not guarantee a a love connection each and every time. Chinese women are, by and large, traditional women. Even in Shanghai you’ll find women that save that most precious jewel so hungrily sought after by men for the one they believe they’ll marry. Having said this I don’t endorse exploiting this chaste decision for your own carnal gain. In fact I downright disagree. If you (Reminder: I’m not directing this at you, Glenn, by the way. I mean the general “you.”) want to go whoring do it in your own fuckin’ country. There’s enough negative stigma surrounding interracial coupling in China we don’t need frothing horn dogs from abroad shooting those of us who came over here to learn about and embrace China’s customs and culture in the foot because they can’t score at home. Sexual exploitation (coerced coitus) is about as low as one can sink and borders on rape. Sex is a wonderful thing and if over indulged in one can take for granted just how special and sacred it is (Yes, I’m Catholic.)

Jesus Christ I sound like a God damn priest. I apologize. I didn’t mean to get on a soapbox at all. Let’s talk Hangzhou bitch specifics. Asian women on the whole kick some fuckin’ ass, and let me tell you why. With the exception of Yoko Ono (that talentless vulture) Asian women age very slowly. Furthermore their skin is very taut and more oft than not (My apologies to David Sedaris, my love and muse.) porcelein clear. That may not mean much to other people but considering I’m probably going to look like Edward James Olmos in a decade I appreciate clean unblemished skin and Chinese women have it. To say I’m envious would be a gross understatement. Though lately I have been using Estee Lauder’s Daily Wear Plus Multi Protection Anti-Oxidant SPF15 skin revitalizing lotion and let me tell you my face, unsightly blemishes aside, has never felt healthier.

The women of Hangzhou are known for their beauty as women from every city, town, and unincorporated hamlet in China are known for. But with a population of 6.5 million you’ve got lots to choose from. Play your cards right and you could be fortunate enough to escort one of these cultured women arm in arm along the famous banks of Hangzhou’s West Lake. But if you fuck’em you better have an engagement ring coming because these ladies don’t fuck for free. They want a husband, status, a car, financial security for themselves, and parents, and a visa to what ever country you call home. Welcome to China.

Having said that you can always go the commitmentless “pay as you go route.” But I’d say you got a 25% chance of contracting VD via that route and that’s using protection. And that’s a conservative guesstimate. All this however is moot. Sex is not a reason to visit any country (With the exception of, perhaps, Thailand. Though I’ve never been, I have watched the E! channel.). China has so much to offer in the realms of arts, music, cuisine and history. You are truly doing yourself a disservice by solely coming over here to satiate carnal lusts. Having said all that, Hangzhou women like most Chinese women are lacking in the badunkadunk department, but the chesticles are top notch. All in all I have to say Hangzhou’s female population is not any more remarkable than any other cities. I highly recommend visiting Hangzhou but for all the reasons there are to come, ladies is not one of them. ANd I only say that because I’m untravelled and have no way of comparing. But I can tell you this: Their heaps cleaner than Henan broads.

I’m not sure if any of this helps Glenn but I have to admit I had a rather conflicted time writing this. I’m just not good at objectifying a whole population of women. After all I’m not Charlie Sheen. Hangzhou women are good. I feel like I failed you. I’m sorry. Seriously.

Things More Frustrating Than “Hello.”

The more erudite and less pathetic may revel in certain people’s ability to express (IN CHINESE) their displeasure with the simple English greeting (Hello) used by non native speakers towards them while they idle away their time in Shangwhore. I read it in the English translation…AND the original CHINESE!!! To a degree I concur, but upon reflecting on this third grade piece of shit I got to thinking. Is that bi-syllabic salutation really that offensive and annoying or have we grown too great for our gracious host country? To try to put it into perspective I came up with this list of things Chinese people do on a daily basis which is more annoying than the overused, “Hello.”

Things more annoying than “Hello”

1. Spitting on the bus

2. Spitting on the bus and hitting my shoe and not the intended floor

3. Overcharging for goods and then laughing hysterically at the 5 mao they got out of us as opposed to their Chinese brethren.

4. Urinating everywhere

5. Not understanding my perfect Chinese

6. Assuming laowai know nothing

7. The fact that they think they won WWII

8. Identifying Westlife and Backstreet Boys as quintessential western music while scoffing at bands like Soundgarden and Captain Beefheart

9. Constantly stating the phrase, “We have 5000 years of culture.” as an excuse for every initiative they’ve ever boggled.

10. Not lining up for shit!!!

11. Passing off counterfeit currency to laowai because they don’t know the difference (see reason 6)

12. Driving worse than Italians

13. Constantly being blatantly hypocritical

14. Endorsing “Golden Week” price gouging schemes

15. Justifying the battery of woman as a legitimate recourse to, “not losing face.”

16. Every show on CCTV 9 that isn’t the news.

17. Yang Rui

18. Their penchant for shitty techno

19. Cab drivers thinking every fare is a chance for them to re-enact their favorite scenes from Cannonball Run.

20. NOT LINING UP FOR SHIT!!!!!

China has been my home for over a year and I love it. I value every day here as a new experience full of things for me to learn. If the worst thing that happens to you is a few errant, “Hellos,” consider yourself lucky. Seriously. I’ve been peed on before. And puked on. This country is great. Oh yeah, and baijiu is pretty annoying too.

And speaking of the NHL player lock out….

Okay so its already November. Late November and I have seen a fuckin’ fore check, a back check, a penalty or icing call and I’m a little pissed off. I don’t watch baseball because it is boring (and I’m being nice by leaving it at boring). Gan lan qiu (American NFL Football) is the sport of the world’s most talented gladiators, but I can’t watch it over here in China because the Chinese are racist. Soccer is….well how do I put this? Soccer is the national sport for every country out there that has no hopes of being a world power. Wow look at him dribble!! Holy Hell! Check out thatr pass. If I wanted to see Dagos with Jerri-curls run around and do nothing for 3 hours I’d go to a family reunion. Really, I’m serious, Europe if you wanna play with the big boys drop the soccor and embrace the NFL Europe. You aren’t cultured. You’re fuckin’ clown shoes. David Beckham is a fuckin’ daft idiot. Yeah a good corner kicker, but he still shits his pants because he’s to fuckin’ stupid to take them off before he chili dogs his spice girl wife. Soccer sucks. Basketball is okay but pointless till the playoffs and golf is…well golf is golf. Fun to play and that’s about it.

The point is if you are from the Tri-state area, northern mid-west or that counrty called Canaduh this is the time you strap on the gloves and watch some hockey and there is none to be had. Our blue collar athletes have deemed themselves too worthy to play for a per annum average salary of 1.8 million. The NHL has always been the workers league. Le Clair, Roenick, Robitaille, Satan, Luongo, Pronger, Heatley, Cechmanek, and Selanne these are the athletes for those of us who still line up for tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert. These are the athletes that are not supposed to care about the money as much as they care about the game. And here we are in a player lockout. Here I am in China futily siding with the GM’s and endorsement companies hoping the players will come to their senses and embrace a completely reasonable salary cap. What is a laowai to do?

I’ve started to wholeheartedly enjoy and embrace Rugby Union. I follow the New Zealand All Blacks as though they were the Philadelphia Flyers or Eagles. But I just don’t have the cultural connection to New Zealand I need to truly care about the outcome of the game. Except when they play the Australia Wallabies. God I hate them so much.

The problem is much more serious than both the players and owners lead on or will admit to. The truth is NHL hockey is abysmally unpopular in the United States and the fans it did have were devotedly faithful to their franchise. With this latest controversy you’ve not only taken away our main winter sports entertainment base but disillusioned us towards the entire sport. Even if you do settle your disputes before the start of next season the fans will be so disgusted by the stubborn greedy actions of the players they won’t even bother tuning in. It’s a deathblow to the sport. In my opinion the best sport out there and the way things are looking its not coming back anytime soon. Hell, sports news agencies aren’t even following the story.
That should tell you how little the populous cares about it. But all you players care about are your gold houses and rocket cars. To think I once though about getting my team’s emblem tattooed on my body. Oh the fool I was. And for as sad as I am you know there are people out they reaping the benefit of our loss. You know who you are. Candian Football League fans. You freaks. Why the hell are you all named the Roughriders?

BRING BACK MY HOCKEY!!!!!!!!!!

Sure 55 Years is Great but What Are You Doing About the NHL Player Lockout?

So where to begin…apologies first and foremost, I’ve been indeed away and I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a while. But I got good reasons (and none of them have to do with how pathetic I am). My sister’s wedding was in late August so I had to return home to America. Due to my lackadasical planning I had to spend the night in San Francisco which wasn’t a bad thing. San Francisco is a beautiful city and the weather was awesome but I couldn’t help but feel that everyone was judging me. The wedding was wonderful and my nephew is off the hook cute. I met a girl named Lynn from Washington D.C. who was into getting a job in the H.Z.. Me being the altruistic guy I am let her stay with me till she found a place of her own and that took three weeks. And my computer was in the room she was in. I was on the couch. I usually update very late at night when I feel the most creative but since she was sleeping in the room I needed I was unable to post (meanwhile, she started a blog of her own…it’s no Sinobling…but for a girl…you know…it’s cute). But she’s super cool and a lot of fun to hang out with so ill will towards her I do not have. She got a job teaching and she’s got a nice place so everything worked out. Did I axe for head in return? No, I was a complete gentleman. So don’t go there John Pasden!!

Since this site focuses on the academic, or more accurately, facilitating the acquisition of the spoken English language to those not privileged enough to have learned English as their pure, first language, let me start by saying that the school semester here at ZUCC is in full swing and has all the organization of a monkey shit fight (a hackneyed but applicable analogy). Jumping Jesus on a saltine pogo stick this fuckin’ semester couldn’t have gone more awry. Is every University in China this fucked up or is it just mine? Seriously leave comments. I need to hear I’m not alone on this one. I could load month old block of Velveeta (which is just as good as a brand new block of Velveeta) into the barrel of a 16^th Century Spanish Cannon and blast it at a skeletal outline of what someone with a head injury might think was a good schematic for an English program and get better results than what I got from my school. 52 Kids to a single classroom!? I see no problem with that! If you give me some industrial strength duct tape I can seal at least six more kids to the ceiling.

To clear my hizzy (head) I went on vacation with the other foreign teachers and had a blast. We hit the south end of our province (Zhejiang) and saw the lovely town of Li Shui and the county that contains the Yandang mountain range (near Wenzhou). Utterly beautiful it was, though the littering left something to be desired. Whilst rock hopping up a dry mountain river bed I came upon the outdoor “sexcapade trifecta” which consists of the condom wrapper, the jizz rag and the maxi pad wrapper all in one stop. I was going to get a picture of it but I was to busy speaking out loud, “Good God is that a ji….Oh God it is a Jizz rag!”

So I’m sorry I didn’t get a picture of that. But I did get a picture of a giant stone dick!! Those of you who don’t live in China might think that’s something special but anyone who’s lived here a while knows you can’t step ten feet in any tourist attraction in China without seeing a giant stone pecker. I’ve get quite a collection of carved cock photos. Sorry, I’m American. When I see a big stone willy I pull out the camera and have a friend snap a picture of me trying to suck it. Or I curl up in a ball at the base of it and pretend to be a testicle. My question is: Where are all the stone cooters? China’s got limestone.

While I’m talking about the National Day Holiday Week I might as well bring up a bone of contention I have with a little capitalist practice known as “Price Gouging.” Price gouging is the unethical practice of overcharging for services in times when people don’t have a competitive option. For example, in my home state of Florida, bags of ice (usually about a buck a sack) were going for 8 to 12 dollars a bag immediately after Hurricane Charley hit us. In America it’s illegal to price gouge for any reason, especially during states of emergency, not to mention completely inappropriate and not nice. Some poor family has to shell out thousands to remove the oak tree that fell through their roof into their living room now has to spend 40 bucks on D cell batteries to power their NOAA radio so they can hear Hurricane Frnaces is just one week away from douching the fuck out them. Dirty pool I say.

In China however, it’s smart business. A billion people have the week off! Jack those hotel rates up!! They got to stay somewhere!! RMB 300 for a cum-splattered, concrete twin bed as wide as an anorexic’s waist. I can see no problems with that, and you know what else? Let’s make the deposit more than the room!! That’s what happened in Yangdang Shan. The only thing this hotel had going for it was its location. Everything else sucked about it. I got no problem paying 280 for a hotel room during the October “Golden Week” but demanding a deposit that’s more than the room? That makes no sense. I should in theory be able to completely trash my room like The Strokes at a Hojo and then go into the hotel room next to mine and kick in their TV set. It was outrageous. Everywhere we went people were raising their prices for Golden Week. More like Golden Shower Week if you ask me.

I also went down to Pan’an, in the south of Zhejiang (about an hour from Yiwu which is famous for being a hub for crap). Pan’an is full of natural beauty and that’s about it. I had to take a 30 minute taxi to a town called Hengdian (known for its movie village where a lot of those Ming dynasty soap operas are produced) just to find a bar. What I found interesting was I only saw three bars. Two of them were KTV so only one good bar. Yet that night when I was taking the main road out of the downtown district back to Pan’an I counted 17 “massage parlors” open for “business” in the stretch of 2 city blocks. 2 blocks, 17 “massage parlors,” about 5 “masseuses” per massage parlor. That’s approximately 85 handjobs at 100% occupancy. 170 if they industriously double fist. That much simultaneous throttling could prompt inaccurate readings from a local seismograph. It may seem inconsequential to those of you outside the field of geology but let me tell you erroneous seismograph readings reduce earthquake readiness. And that’s no joke.

I’m going to level with you guys, this is the 5th time I’ve wrote this and to say the least I’m disillusioned with blogger. I’ve been trying to post since late September to no avail. Also I can’t upload pictures so me and my goat skull are unavailable for viewing. Sorry ladies. It’s infuriating honestly because there has been a lot I have wanted to post. The preceeding I’ve tried to post five times and all it has done is erase my shit and slap my momma, AND NOBODY SLAPS MY FUCKIN’ MOMMA!! I’ve heard a ton of stories about who’s to blame, blogger or the Chinese government and I’ll tell you right now who it is. It’s blogger. Totally blogger. I could say it was something else but, quite frankly, I’m highly allergic to 5.56 mm high velocity rounds. Even low velocity I’m not too palatable with. I blame blogger because blogger won’t shoot me. I got more coming (posts that is). If you get this they’ll be more. I promise. Don’t think I don’t feel bad because I do.

ZUCC Has One Opening Left for Anyone Interested in Teaching in China

That’s right. Zhejiang University City College (ZUCC) is looking for one more English teacher for the Fall 2004 semester. Any an all are encouraged to apply.

The minimum requirements for employment are as follows:

- Bachelors Degree (preferably in English, Linguistics, or Education)
- Native English speaker
- Some TESL experience
- Must love my website and agree with all the content contained herein.*

Preferred requirements:
- Dual degrees or a Masters’ Degree (preferably in English, Lingustics, or Education)
- Native English speaker
- TESL/TEFL certification
- Experience teaching in China
- Must have a Sinobling “fansite” devoted to how much my website rules.**

I encourage anyone interested in teaching in China to apply. ZUCC is a great school for anyone thinking of coming to China to teach. ZUCC is located in Hangzhou city, Zhejiang province (about two hours southwest of Shanghai via train). A large population of foreigners working, living and teaching here in China think of Hangzhou as one of the most desirable, and beautiful destinations for both work and play. ZUCC is a modern and expanding school that offers, arguably the best housing accomodations in China. All rooms are air-conditioned. You have your own private bathroom with a Western-style toilet (that was a big selling point for me), free cable with upwards of thirty channels (29 of them you won’t understand if you are like me), and high speed interent access in your room, so like me you can write blog posts in your underwear and not have to feel self-conscious about it like I used to when I sat in the teachers’ offices and wrote in my underwear.

For those of you interested in studying Chinese (such as myself) you will find endless oppurtunities to practice, and expand your perspicacity not only in Mandarin, but also in any of Zhejiang’s 600 plus local dialects. In the whole of China, there are over 378,000 separate dialects which people speak. Those numbers may not be accurate in a factual/scientific sort of way, but to the beginner student it sounds just about right.

Hangzhou also offers a lot for when you are not working. The scenery is beautiful. Not only do we have West Lake which is both very pretty and packed full of history (5000 years of history China has), but also innumerable rolling hills, caves and temples. Hangzhou provides the modern conveniences one appreciates (with the exception of Dr. Pepper) while still holding on to its cultural heritage. Hangzhou unlike Shanghai feels Chinese. Shanghai feels as though it could just as easily be New York or London, where with Hangzhou you know you are in China, which is why you should be coming if you are interested in experiencing Chinese culture.

So to close up, anyone who’s interested can send me an email containing your resume or curriculum vitae at:

sinobling@gmail.com

* kidding
** also kidding

Open Letter to the Concierge at Hell’s Finest Hotel:

Dear Hospitality Servant of the Dark Lord Lucifer,

My name is Greg. I am a teacher in Hangzhou city, Zhejiang province, P.R.C. Currently the school is on hiatus for the summer holiday so I have been left at my University with little or no responsibility whatsoever. I was enjoying the time off until July rolled around and the rotation of the Earth put our sun about 100 feet away from the surface of this city. For the past seven days the air temperature has been well over one hundred degrees Fahrenheit. When you add in humidity and the lack of anything resembling a breeze the heat index is around 500 degrees Fahrenheit. It is literally hotter than Hell (I’m pretty sure, I mean I’ve never been. Call it a guestimation.).

To give you some idea as to the actual heat I can tell you what I have both seen and experienced. Chinese women, in their vain attempts to stay as close to milky white as possible, have been venturing outside, umbrellas in full bloom, since May. At the start of July those umbrellas have, after only a few minutes of exposure to the sun’s rays, burst into flames setting more than one delicate, ebony-haired cranium on fire. Chinese men, the normal bastions of masculinity that they are, have resorted to rolling their T-shirts up to the armpit exposing their mid-sections in a manner only the gayest of gay bar patrons would, in an inebriated and frantic last call effort for drunken cock action, attempt. I, myself, have not been immune either. Besides the frequent headaches that do not allay my frustration with the non-stop sweating, I have actually been able to feel my sperm dying. That’s right, I can feel my sperm succumbing to single celled heat exhaustion. My ball sack as well has reached maximum elasticity. In an attempt to keep my goo globes healthy and productive my glitter sling has stretched south of mid-thigh and took up temporary residence between my knees. If so inclined I could fashion a makeshift hammock out of my slouch pouch large enough to accommodate a full-size, dozing squirrel or medium-sized otter. Sorry for the imagery but it’s that fuckin’ hot.

I’m writing you this letter to inquire as to the availability of any air conditioned room you might have in Hell. I’ve never been but I hear the climate is lovely compared to Hangzhou. Price is not a factor. If the AC works in my room I’ll be more than satisfied to pay my way by helping you gain the souls of atheists and Southern Baptists alike. Seeing as how I am Roman Catholic they are as much my enemy as they are yours. I look forward to a prompt response as my ability to procreate lays in your Satanic, and damned hands.

Your willing servant in evil,

Greg

P.S. I’m really not good at being “evil” so perhaps I could work poolside as a towel boy or inside an air conditioned ballroom as a salsa instructor or something. Enclosed are some pictures of me with your cloven footed mascot. (Are goats cloven-footed? I really don’t know. Your whole “thing” sort of gives me the heebie-jeebies.)

Me and Goat are pals for life:

Rockin’ with Goat to some Dokken:

And yes I’m aware that that is the “I love you” sign and not the “Devil, I salute you” sign that is so often thrown violently overhead at Motorhead concerts and the like. I took these pictures myself and only had ten seconds with the self-timer so I rushed to get situated and properly framed up and the damn goat’s horns kept falling off so in my fervor I unintentionally threw up the “I love you” instead of the “Devil, I salute you.” Also, I was drunk.

Me, snuggling up with Devil’s Mascot:

For the record, it took a lot of nerve and soul searching for me to put this picture up. I decided to do it for you the reader and for comedy’s sake, so I would appreciate it if everyone would refrain themselves from copying the picture and Photoshopping it into an even more compromising image. I’m self-conscious enough as it is (and I think you can see why), so no fake jizz streams or stains, and no altering the cigarette into a cock and no superimposing a huddle of Japanese men urinating in the direction of my face please.

Chinese Justice League:

This list was created because China deserves to have super heroes too.
Super Heroes:
1. The Omni-stamper
2. Sergeant Apathy
3. Capt. CCP (transforms when angered into Omega Red not to be confused with the X-men villian of the same name)
4. Dialogue’s Yang Rui (Can confound any and every adversary with his irreverent, often pointless, interviewing style)
5. Lack of Irony Man (Impervious to China’s Future)
6. Clean Air Advocate
7. The Humble Laowai
8. Steve Malkmus: former frontman of Pavement
9. The Vaccine
10. Guanxi Gary and his Chunghwa Gun (Knows everyone in China.)

And superheroes need super villains so…

Super Villians:
1. Hello Boy
2. Mole Man Chang
3. Head Up His Ass Man (takes many forms in China)
4. The Coolie
5. Joe Baijiu
6. The Spitter
7. Public Urination Goblin
8. Clap Snatch (arch nemesis of The Vaccine)
9. Xiao Smoggy
10. Swedish Hippie Expat

Typhoon 2004!!
A Report from Hangzhou’s Ground Zero

This previous Saturday morning began as calm and unassumingly as any other day this summer but Mother Nature had something in store for the humble citizens of Hangzhou (and I’m assuming other large portions of Zhejiang province but who cares about them), something wicked. The 3rd of July began quietly as the sun shed its first glowing rays onto the city, and the fair people of this town began their bustle shortly after awakening to the strained sounds of so many a tuberculosis ridden rooster attempting its now pathetic cock-a-doodle-doo (the air ain’t clean here).

The winds began a stirring around eight in the morning and their relentless gales did not cease for some 6 to 8 hours. I was literally held hostage by the storm for almost 15 minutes from the time I woke up around 2 in the afternoon. What I saw from my living room window defied human explanation. Clothes left out overnight to dry were found flung from the clothesline possibly even wetter than when they were originally hung out. Potted plants were laid to waste lying on their side having not been able to stand under their own weight of the wind’s vicious surge. Carl’s umbrella was the worst victim. Whipped inside out as if it were some cheap product manufactured in China, hardly keeping my friend protected from the sideways mist that assailed anyone with the courage to step outside. This was a meteorological surprise attack that no one expected and I went out to look for answers.

On my way to a taxi I saw the carnage that ensued on the college campus I live on first hand. Rows of bikes knocked upon their sides like a line of two-wheeled dominoes. Puddles with a surface area about that of medium-sized, artificial ponds at Home Depot were everywhere with depths measuring upwards of three quarters of an inch, and not one, but TWO poorly planted Mimosa trees were uprooted by the unrelenting ferocity of this storm. I could barely contain the vodka I had for breakfast when my eyes took in the ravaging effects of this devilish tempest. Surely the meteorologist would have answers.

I was wrong.

Upon arriving at the weather station I found Feng Shui Ren collapsed behind a copper and jade fountain ringed with frogs, one of which had a coin in its mouth. After coming to he offered his apologies for his unconsciousness and I began my questioning.

Me: How could this happen with no warning whatsoever?

Feng: Excuse me but does this look like a meteorological forecast center to you or the lobby at the Jade Palace All You Can Eat Buffet? Look at this fuckin’ “equipment” (he air quoted). I’d stab a bitch for Noah Radio. I’d suck dick for fuckin’ doppler radar. What do I got?! Those fuckin’ frogs and they’re only good at telling me about earthquakes which I know cunt about!

Me: So you’re telling me you had no way of knowing a sizable weather system…a typhoon in fact…was going to hit us?

Feng: You’ve got to be fuckin’ shitting me you white prick. You know what the powers that be expect me to do when big storms come?

Me: Uh…no.

Feng: You know what they expect me to do (me: no)? Stand outside in the thick of the shit with a satchel of ground up deer penis and a roman candle as if I do, which I don’t, it might do something. Fuck all this noise I need to get high.

Me: Excuse me?

Feng: You heard me niggah! I’s getting my motherfuckin self cronked. Find your own God damn way out cracker. Careful not to fuck up the Tandy they gave me to check the weather.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Feng: Fuck your ass honky.

When I got back on campus people were out trying to put things back together. I spoke with some to try and gauge their reaction. One individual was more than verbose.

Me: So did you see the storm?

Wang: See it? See it? I felt that shit. There I was, pissing on the side of the girls’ dormitory…as is my want…when this fuckin’ gust of wind sprayed my piss stream back all over me.

Me: So you were outside when the storm hit?

Wang: Shit piker, I was living it. I mean it was windy! Like real windy. You know those big fans they have at the hardware store that float a beach ball indefinitely because they are big ass fans?

Me: Yes, I’ve been to Lowe’s.

Wang: It’s like they had a real big one of those and pointed it sideways to make me piss all over myself. Woo-wee! I tell you what, if I wasn’t drunk already I’d a been pissed off, and pissed on.

Me: So why were you urinating on the girls’ dormitory during a typhoon in the first place?

Wang: Because I was trying to seem some pussy faggot!

Me: Oh. Thanks for your time.

Wang: No. Thank you, ya fuckin’ cha bagger. I’m the God damn son of a bitch that smells like his own motherfuckin’ piss.

Nature. Fate. Causality. Call it what you will, but the scars that this storm left will take time to heal. The damage alone caused by this hellish deluge that dropped no less than one inch of rain will cost the city of Hangzhou upwards of US $35.00. I, for one, am thankful just for being able to say that I am alive today to report this. And I thank God above for giving me the foresight to not teach English in Calcutta.